You ask me to forgive you….. forgiving you was easy, but forgetting seems to take the longest time

So I’m in Art History…so update…

Life is fine. I’m not doing anything this weekend, which sucks ass. But some stress relief is supposed to be going down tonight, which in all technicalities is not the weekend.

Other than that, I have just been thinking and talking too much as usual.

Me, Nick, and Court had a lunch yesterday that ended up being 5 hours. Which was crazy hahaha.

We all actually noticed that we are the first time that all of our friends were our age. Minus Jessica, who always seemed older than me, all of my friends were older. But we are all on the same level, which is really cool.

But we talked about everything. And I realized a lot about myself that I had refused to talk about for a while.

I don’t believe in soul mates. Which is kind of scary for me to think about, so I never did. But Nick, Court, and I had a rather detailed discussion on it, and yeah, I think that is slightly ridiculous. I think that you can meet people who you love, and you will meet someone you will love above anyone else. But there is no soul involved. Your soul grows from interaction with other people, but your soul does it’s own growth and then adds to the collective. But soul mate…

Maybe I just loathe the term.

Maybe all hopeless romantic has been sucked out of me.

We also talked about marriage. I really don’t seek…marriage per say. I could just be in a committed relationship and be perfectly fine. I would honestly only get married for the other guy, if it was big deal to him. Or if kids are coming along. But otherwise…ehh. I think that you can have a solid, relationship without some piece of paper from the government that states “You must love each other til death do you part”

And we talked about “God” or at least man’s idea of “God”. Which I told them my theories and they told me theirs. Both of them are defiantly theists. And I’m the agonistic with atheistic tendencies. But we have also lived very different lives. I pointed out that you go through tough times, you turn to faith, a lot of people turn to the idea of the Christian god.

But then it keeps going…and so do you, and suddenly when it used to be so easy to believe in a god, it becomes so hard. I am jaded to the idea of god. And a life gets tougher and more happens… I will probably keep going.

And when anyone asks what I will do if there is a god and suddenly one day we have to chat…I think he and I will have a very interesting discussion.
And it so interesting to me that someone can discuss the idea that god is real, to impress those ideas on people. But when you speak the opposite, even non-religious people get uncomfortable. People who aren’t even Christians get offended when you say something against Jesus, particularly if you address the fact that he really was just a man.

I don’t feel like either of those things make me an unspiritual person. I am more in touch with myself as a person than I have ever been. I am all about some Zen. But….soulmates? god?..eh..

Otherwise life is chaos..

oh yeah, and….

let the sunshine…let the sunshine in…

So I just watched like the most brilliant scene.

A girl is at her father’s wake, her boyfirned is trying to convince her to drink less, but she won’t.

She gets hit on by this guy right infront of her boyfriend, who is helping her mother with food, and he just sits passively and watches.

Pan upstairs, boyfriend trying to find her, and he finds her being fingerd by the boy. She sees him, throws up, and the guy peaces. The boyfriend looks at her, and walks away, while she sits calling his name, her face covered in her own vomit.

The Loss of Sexual Innocence:
Confused, non-linear film tells the sexual story of a film director from his life at age 5, age 12, age 16, a man embarking on his first film in 1950’s Tunisia, and finally to his current life. Along the way he has sexual exploits with an older woman (Kelly McDonald) as a teen (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers), gets involved with an Italian couple Tunisia that culminates in the killing of a local boy and the brutal revenge murder of the woman (Saffron Burrows), and ultimately is married to a cold woman (Johanna Torrel).

Everyone should see it. It’s brilliant. It’s by the same guy who directed Leaving Las Vegas

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain, and now you’ve decided just to show me the same…

Well, I am sitting in Art History, and again, I really don’t feel like paying attention. So, I suppose that it is time for a real up date.

My mood has been rather odd, but melancholy typically. I have gotten less sad and jus t angrier about the “incident”. I am not really defining what that is because I don’t know what everyone knows, and frankly, I don’t want to be the one to explain it. He can. He did it. Not that I really feel like pussy footing around this shit. I just I guess want to respect him and not be the one to expose. Why I don’t know. But I always seem to be protecting him. Whether he sees it, doesn’t see it, refuses to acknowledge it, whatever…Not that it really needs to happen. It did happen between us. And I suppose all those people who were in the apartment building behind us.

Anyways, I am just trying to deal with all this shit. I know I keep writing that, and I feel perfectly ridiculous/ really bitchy saying that over and over. But I really can’t help it. I can’t seem to not think of that event.

And he keeps talking about giving it more time. More time? I mean, I suppose that is the easy answer. That’s incredibly convenient for him to say. And I’m sure that that is some of what I need. But I’m fairly certain that is not all of what I need.

Not that I know. I am still sorting that shit out.

He actually told me that he would be able to cope with it if I needed to fuck someone else. I’m not really sure what that would do. But he does know me well, doesn’t he? It is my total escape/super balancing action. Hahaha Tyler the Sexually Charged Libra..

Maybe, I don’t know honestly. It actually might help, but I am worried that I might make it worse. Particularly if it happens, and he doesn’t take it as well as he says he could (generally the case, no offense meant), and then suddenly once that action happens, I’m supposed to be over it. Like a trade off. And honestly, it wouldn’t be a trade off. That’s practically a joke. Bruise…used condom. There is no comparison.

I just don’t know. And I am sick of not knowing

We were supposed to be on a break this week. And we kind of were. But I keep calling him, trying to see if something happens. And…I don’t know, it kind of does.

I still love him. I do. I really do. I plan on calling him and plan on telling him how I feel and then he answers in his cute little “ ‘ello, howw are youu? I’m gooood..” and I just smile and the issue at hand melts away, and then I just talk to him for an hour or so and everything is fine. Then we hang up, and it’s like I was running from this bolder rolling down a hill, and the emotion, and feelings and thoughts just hit me in the back of the head. And I then sit and feel all this shit until the next phone call, and then I am so ready to spearhead this issue, and figure it the fuck out and then it’s “ ‘llo, howw are youu?”
And the cycle continues.

A break, a breakup, a fuck…

I have no idea.

say what you mean to say…say what you mean to say..

FUCK.

GODDAMN SHIT PISS CUNT COCKSUCKING FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!

thank you.

today was shit.

yesterday was BEYOND weird.

Hopefully tommorow will be normal.

And I can’t tell if it’s out of habit, or because there is the geniuine emotions of missing and longing…

P.S. Jackie White, we need to talk. That’s right, I called your ass out. What are ya gonna do about it?! lol

No one, no one, no one, can get in the way of what I’m feelin..

Even better than a lyric montage…

I focus on the pain, the only thing thats real..

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands
in eachother’s shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn’t explain it all
and I’m recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and eventually the landlord will come
and paint over it all

You know what you gotta do when life gets you down?
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming swimming swimming
What do we do we swim, swim, swim…

Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, tubby little cubby, all stuffed with fluff…

Wow, today was a really good.

We had a really good day today.

It’s less than a week. I still feel like hell. And I am sure that he knows that. I’m a good
actor, but there is only so much one can hide.
I love him. I really do. And I don’t plan on leaving him. Like I said to him last night, I gave Cory more than one shot. It’s only fair. Particularly since he has always meant more than Cory.

I’m still scared a shit though. There were moments today where I just almost freaked out. Lost it completely. I’m sure he can tell. He talked about how distant I was. I got more comfortable through out the day.

Still don’t know if the break is needed. I am actually kinda more lost after these two days…

But I have more confidence that we can make it work as a whole.

Which is comforting.

he is amazing though. he brought me a yellow rose, which is my favorie, and a copy of Winnie the Pooh on DVD. Which was THE movie I watched as a kid.

He knows he fucked up. Royally. Probably beyond what he can understand.

but he knows it. he is working hard. I can tell.

and it’s amazing. amazing.

I don’t know how to love him, what to do, how to move him..

So here I sit in Art History class..

Whhhhhyyyy

This is quite possibly the most obnoxious professor I’ve had. To put it in perspective…the fucker has a Maglight flashlight which he uses to point at you if he feels you aren’t paying attention.

What?

Anyways…

I can understand enjoying a class like this. I honestly thought I would enjoy Art History more when I started last fall. I enjoy art and examining it.

But god, it’s like having my teeth pulled without Novocain…

Not to mention I slept horribly. As usual. That’s no real surprise.

when does this get to stop?

now I’m lost in an ocean of pain…

….lost….

completely and utterly lost.

and it sucks, because I just finally felt found.

where words fail music speaks…

I’ve been thinking of a new direction
But I have to say
I’ve been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way

What’s love got to do, got to do with it
What’s love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What’s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

I won’t write you a love song
Cause you ask for it
Cause you “need” one
You see, I’m not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it’s make or breakin’ this
Is that why you wanted a love song?
Cause you ask for it
Cause you “need” one
You see, I’m not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it’s make or breakin’ this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don’t want it for a minute
Babe, I walk the seven seas
When I believe that there’s a reason to write you a love song
Today.

Hurt me
Why in the world did you hurt me?
Just when I thought
I’d found someone to trust, you took away your love and

Hurt me
I still can’t believe you hurt me
Just when I thought it was safe to come in
You let me want you, and need you, and then
You left me, like a child in the rain
Now I’m mending myself of the pain
Oh, you hurt me

Yes, you left me
Like a child in the rain
Now I’m lost in an ocean of pain
Oh, you hurt me
I fell in love and it hurt me
Can’t you imagine how I’m feeling now?
Oh, will you ever know how?
you hurt me

well its gone gone baby, its all gone
there’s no one on the corner and there’s no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it’s over for me and it’s over for you

i believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well i guess we’re gonna find out
let’s see how far we’ve come
let’s see how far we’ve come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, i guess, we’re gonna pretend,
let’s see how far we’ve come

I’ve looked at love from both sides now, from give and take and still somehow, it’s loves illusions.

druuunk….

fuck even, and all things that are.

Now I’m of consenting age…

THE FUCK?!

So my Dad found out I got my nipples pierced. And we fought about it for like 3 hours, more about why I did it.

So, he stops me tonight to talk to me, and informs me that I am going to take them out, so long as he is paying for everything, a threat that he made for years that I assumed was empty.

Apparently not.

Which is ironic, considering that if he hadn’t have found the soap I use for them, he wouldn’t have known.

Just like if he hadn’t have found the gay porn, he wouldn’t have known.

So, obviously since you are so involved dear father, and I keep you so fucking informed, logically you have every right to tell me how to conduct my life.

Since you are so involved.

And to top it ALL off, I was so angry I couldn’t respond..he’s flying to Vagas.

I have to wait for my father, who feels that he is so involved in my life, which he doesn’t know I have a tattoo, didn’t know I had my nipples pierced, or that I have fucked 29 men, to come back to discuss this.

I rest my case. And I need a ciggerett.

It’s gonna be a long, loong fucking semester.

because I got high, because I got high, because I got hiiiiigh

[Marital Status]	Not married? But working towards it.
[Shoe size]	12
[Parents still together]	yes
[Siblings]	2 bros, pretty much the coolest kids you’ll meet
[Pets]	1 dog, who is more of a cat
FAVORITES
[Color]	BLue
[Number]	14
[Animal]	Penguin
[Drinks]	Burbon and Coke or a Rum and Coke
[Soda]	Coke
[Book]	Still Life with Woodpecker
[Flower]	A yellow rose
DO YOU
[Color your hair?]	Have before
[Twirl your hair?]	Like it’s my job
[Have tattoos?]	Yes
[Have Piercings?]	Yes
[Cheat on tests/homework?]	Who hasn’t?
[Drink/Smoke?]	Yes/ And Yes when I drink, no in general
[Like roller coasters?]	Love them
[Wish you could live somewhere else?]	Yes
[Want more piercings?]	Yes
[Write in cursive or print?]	That’s a complicated question..it looks like both?
[Own a web cam?]	No
[Know how to drive?]	Yes
[Own a cell phone?]	Yes
[Ever get off the damn computer?]	Yes
HAVE U EVER
[Been in a fist fight?]	Yes
[Considered a life of crime?]	Yes. But when people go starving so our capitalistic country can jerk itself off, we are ALL leading lives of crime.
[Considered being a hooker?]	Haha frequently. It’d be such an easy job.
[Lied to someone?]	Yes
[Been in love?]	Yes
[Made out with JUST a friend?]	Yes…hasn’t everyone?
[Been in lust?]	Hahahah a perpetual state
[Used someone]	Yes
[Been used?]	HAHAHA yes. A lot.
[Been cheated on?]	Yes
[Kicked someone in the nuts?]	Yes
[Stolen anything?]	Yes
[Held a gun]	Yes
CURRENTS
[Current clothing]	A pair of grey sweats and an old college t-shirt
[Current mood]	Good-ish
[Current taste]
[What you currently smell like]	Old Spice deoderent
[Current hair]	There?
[Current thing I ought to be doing]	Sleeping
[Current cd in stereo]	A mix tape I made
[Last book you read]	The Goat, or Who is Syliva? … again
[Last movie you saw]	Sweeney Todd in theatres, Fracture at home. Both are really good.
[Last thing you ate]	An omlet I made
[Last person you talked to on the phone]	Justin
[Do drugs?]	No
[Believe there is life on other planets?]	Yes
Remember your first love?]	Yes
[Still love him/her?]	In an “I will always love you, but I’m not in love with you” way…yeah
[Read the newspaper?]	Not today
[Have any gay or lesbian friends?]	No. I hate fags. Gay people are actually whats wrong with the world…we need to focus on gay marrige, not our failing education system, a pointless war, or the millions of people without proper health…but those gays..
[Believe in miracles?]	Haha yes, I passed Psyc last spring.
[Do well in school?]	HA.
[Wear hats]	No
[Hate yourself?]	Working on it.
[Have an obsession?]	Music. And art in all forms.
[Collect anything?]	Haha I could make a really crude comment…
[Have a best friend?]	Yes
[Close friends?]	Yes
[Like your handwriting?]	Yes, it’s actually quite unique…even though I suppose everyone’s is
[Care about looks]	No, not really.
LOVE LIFE
[First crush]	Luke
[First kiss]	Ariel Vergalles
[Do you believe in love at first sight?]	Yes
[Do you believe in "the one?"]	….don’t want to talk about it…
[Are you a tease?]	Absolutely.
[Too shy to make the first move?]	Hahah
ARE U A
[Daydreamer]	Yes
[Bitch/Asshole]	Yes
[sarcastic]	Beyond comparison.
[Angel]	With a severe wing clipping
[Devil]	Indeed. Some would say the man himself.
[Shy]	Hardly
[Talkative]	Yes
CREATE YOUR OWN! – or – GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

ooooh say can you seee….

Get it,gurrrrl

Accapella audtions tonight…..

whoops…I just wet myself

kiss me, beneath the bearded barley…

A new journal title…for a new chapter.

I love Justin Gardner Brown…

It’s pretty sweet.