So I must admit the last few days have involved a lot of thinking.
The other day Jackie and I painted “the board”.
..and when we leave the landlord will come, and paint over it all..
And if you know what “ the board” in tales, you realize the importance of such a step. I was never directly involved with it, just all of the people. So many would argue that I had no business being involved. I would whole heartedly disagree. Nor do I think that it was a bad thing. That board had a lot of toxic memories for everyone who wrote on it, no matter how many people wrote on it. Every time I looked at it, I just thought these horrible thoughts. The board was the summation of Norfolk, right before I walked in and turned everything upside down (quite unintentionally, thank you.) And something had to change, and Jackie would not have done it with me if she weren’t in agreeance lol. So we painted over everything, and then wrote a line from our song by Ani D. , stating “and we’re recording our history now on the bedroom wall, and when we leave the landlord with come, and paint over it all”.
And it made me realize so many things about that section/my first 2 years at college.
I have truly made a great friend in Jackie White. This has been reaffirmed the last couple of times we hung out, specifically when we watched the Sweetest Thing again and realized it’s a mirror, and then when the whole Marie thing happened. We started so long ago, and our relationship has been weird at points, and there were points we were not allowed to speak (well, I wasn’t which is so fucking ridiculous) but we still maintain this bond. And now we are truly adult friends with adult ambitions. And I feel like that since we’ve come this far, we will be friends for our entire lives. Other than my brothers, I have met someone who is going to be at my wedding, the birth of my children, the passing of lovers, and ultimately our own. It’s ridiculous and amazing. As I said to her other night, “Jackie, I can’t wait until we conquer a city together.” And she agreed. Who knows when that will be, but I have a feeling it’s sooner than later.
Uh, I really hardly like to think that I have had any relationship that was a mistake, because I live without regrets. And as I was explaining to Channing last night, the only reason I keep my old journals is so I can look back and not make the same mistakes, but I look at the last couple go-rounds with Justin and all I can see is a mistake. One big one. We should have stopped when I was a big enough asshole to put mangos and letter on his front porch.
Not that I didn’t care about him or really truly think that we could work on some level, but looking back GODDAMN DUDE . What the HELL were we thinking. We tore each other to pieces. Literally shreds. Like I think that only he and I truly understand how much we fucked each other up. And maybe his shrink, but damn dude. I was such an asshole that he needed a shrink, and I probably should have gone to one honestly, but I mean, I’ve probably needed to do that since I came out. But we literally gutted each other. I will never forget the last conversation we had before we ended permanently. I was SO drunk and high as shit, and I had to be to numb myself enough to even say what I needed to say. And we had the first civil conversation we had had in months. And we completely removed emotions and looked at the facts. He wanted a husband, I wanted a boyfriend and at the moment couldn’t even process being a husband. And in his mind, he was never my boyfriend or friend. And I don’t mean that in an attacking manner, it’s just the facts. I was so concerned about my career and just life path that time, I couldn’t do it. And honestly, I had basically been in a boys arms since high school, his for 18 months. I needed to be alone. Completely alone. I had to find myself.
And I did. With the help of a really close group of friends, whom I will always cherish deeply, and a place that will always hold a special spot in my heart, I found this stifled person, who had been so concerned with my boyfriend, or what my friends thought, and all this excessive shit. I had been tied down for two very important and formative years, but the whole time I was holding the keys to escape. I allowed this stifling to occur. I could have done something rather than cut myself on my bathroom floor to be found by my roommate and boyfriend. I finally take ownership of my actions, which has always been hard for me.
And so then I was prepared to give myself to Channing, because with the help of the summer and a large part of the semester being single and away from school and a lot of people, I could really come clean with a lot of shit and be prepared to be an amazing boyfriend. Because he deserves it. Goddamn, does he deserve it. And I deserve the right to make someone feel as amazing as they are. And I have never had that.
By the way, we just reached one month of being together. And it’s been so amazing. I for once don’t feel the need to run or intentionally fuck things up. And I see this going for a while. I feel like I have known him for so long that sometimes I am like “Oh yeah, that’s right, I have TONS of shit I get to learn about you”. Which is awesome. And he’s just so amazing in so many ways that he doesn’t even know. He makes me melt with each text message, all the phone calls, the way he looks at me, the way our hands fit perfectly, not only from a size stand point, but our arms are also and specifically the way he says, “I love you, baby”. And for once, I actually believe it. It’s a little ridiculous.
So thus, I painted a board. lol
