Archive for 2009
Protected: Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?
In Uncategorized on March 24, 2009 at 1:00 pmProtected: Do you wanna come over?, I know it’s a long drive from Malibu, I got a pocket full of pills…
In Uncategorized on March 17, 2009 at 2:58 pmProtected: Caution- To Avoid Fire or Explosion or Spontaneous Combustion:
In Uncategorized on March 11, 2009 at 11:55 amProtected: “Not only are you lying to people, you are slowing down the progress of the entire human race..”-SP
In Uncategorized on February 24, 2009 at 2:59 pmReligious Tolerance: A Heathen’s Thoughts
In Christianity, Life, Religion on February 10, 2009 at 10:43 pmConsidering I was kicked out of one course to due to bullshit so now I have and an empty notebook and this professor is worthless, I am going to use this notebook as a point of reflection. His lectures don’t really tie into anything. As long as I do my readings, the only thing I am missing by ignoring his lectures is him telling everyone they are wrong while remaining unable to explain what is right.
But is there ‘right’?
Looking at my paper, my original estimation was right. Anything that was anti-religion from a theological standpoint was met by his quick judgment and an overzealous desire to disagree, which ultimately affected my grade. An anthropological paper graded theologically. Awesome. I should have just said I was a Christian filled with God’s Holy Spirit or whatever ( the fact that Microsoft word automatically capitalizes holy and spirit when they are next to each other further solidifies that I am fighting an uphill battle).
This goes against my entire basis for why I signed up for the course. When I signed up for “Religions of the World” at a public college, I was not expecting “Religion: Why Christianity is Right and Everything Else is Wrong” taught by a considerably less articulate Jerry Falwell (however, it gives me some hope that Word’s spell check doesn’t recognize that). If I had wanted to go to Liberty, I could have gone and with a full ride. However, I probably would have to have been stoned all the time to the point of not caring or I would been stoned to death, which probably would have been less excruciating that this course…
I took a very interesting religion evaluation last week. Apparently, I am a hybrid of Neo Pagan, New Age , and Theravada Buddhism.
When examining what Wikipedia had to say, I found that honestly, minus the views on abortion and eating animals, I really am a Buddhist personally. I think that my failure to believe in those two issues shouldn’t prevent me from practicing Buddhism individually. However, I’d really like to dabble in the Neo Pagan rituals with others (Channing and Jackie? Any takers?)
This, however, does not in any way mean that I am seeking a definite religious structure to dictate my life. I am a very spiritual person. Like ridiculously so. Generally when I start a statement with, “I don’t mean to go all hippie on you, but…” or “Oh, well it’s a full moon. That explains EVERYTHING” , I could generally talk about what I am about to discuss with you for hours, with the spiritual discussion moving forward and tons of different directions. However, I can be guilty of worrying as to whether or not I will freak people out. And if any of you have paid attention to my Facebook religious statuses, you might have an idea as to why. I have also generally found myself preferring to listen and ask questions. I loved, loved, LOVED, listening to Channing talk about his religious experiences after we both took the quiz and in the days that followed. Human SPIRITUALITY fascinates me. However, RELIGION, as a vehicle to express human spirituality, has become so destructive, particularly Christianity. The irony is almost laughable.
When all religions were created, they were a form of spiritual expression. Man’s greed, hatred, bigotry, and hunger for power both inside and outside of the church have resulted in rites and rituals that are void of spiritual connection, or even worse forced spiritual connection. Your mom and dad are “saved”, the pastor is “saved”, all these people, half of which are strangers, are “saved”. The desires to be “saved” in such situations are going to be there.
But how many people do you really know and can honestly believe were saved by walking down a street, and just happened to see a leaf or a tree or something extraordinarily beautiful and went , “Yes! Jesus is the answer!”
Religion, it seems to me, requires some level of persuasion, however militant or passive. I find spirituality and salvation (Christian or otherwise) to be a very personal thing between man and universe (collective soul, God, Satan..) Why should man in any way dictate that for his fellow man?
Anyone who knows me well at all knows that I despise blind religious fanaticism and it was blatantly displayed in my religions class today. There was a girl (Pentecostal by religious affiliation and obviously drinking the punch) who made the comment that it was refreshing to hear that when we visited the Rabbinic Synagogue (Orthodox Jews, for those who don’t know what that means) , the rabbi told us their views on homosexuality matched many conservative religious views in the fact that it was not right. I was going to let that go until my professor uttered the words, “Yes, traditional religions typically share similar views on ‘those types’ “.
WHAT?
I then raised my hand and made the comment that since I, as one of ‘those types’, was making an effort to keep an open minded view on their religious views that perhaps they could be more politically correct, thoughtful, and less inflammatory in choice of language when referring to me and my type. As usual, everyone looked pretty shocked to discover I was in fact a homo (…we walk among you…) but little Miss Jesus in all of her ignorant glory seemed to want to take it a step further:
“Well, as a ho-mo-sex-ual (glad you found all the syllables, darling), why did you take a religions class when you knew that most of the religions were going to oppose your life choices (…::twitches::…) and that most people weren’t going to agree with your life choices?”
My response, which even made the devout Muslim, someone in clear opposition to my “life choices” chuckle:
“Well, why did you, as someone who is apparently so close mined in their every thought decide to grace us with your presence when you knew you would be learning about religions who’s practices where different from your own that would obviously view as wrong? Do I not share that same right to expand my mind, even though it is clear you aren’t making the effort to expand your own?”
This lead to an intense class discussion which the professor, who seemed slightly taken a back, eventually brought to a close.
This is why I struggle with Christianity. I sit in a class, what is supposed to a neutral environment, and when I express my sexual orientation, I am attacked on all sides. Attacked. I was supported by the two other liberals in the class, but even the professor is passing judgment with his eyes. Which is on some levels fine? I’m used to it, which disgusts me. This is me sitting in a Christian “tolerant” society. This is why we have to throw freaking pride parades. It’s not to make people like us more, or recognize that we are here, but so some people can enjoy some level of sanity and self acceptance.
But to be completely honest, I don’t want your Christ or your tolerance. I hate the word tolerance. FUCK your tolerance, go suck on your savior’s holy and divine cock if you think that I in any way am going to accept your tolerance. I won’t even tolerate your tolerance.
Protected: Religous Tolerance..or Something like it.
In Uncategorized on February 10, 2009 at 5:18 pmAnd to be completely honest…
In Uncategorized on February 3, 2009 at 3:52 pmThis weekend man.
Well, to be completely honest, it wasn’t all fun and games. But it ended with me happier than I have ever been in my life. Ever. We reached an understanding of each other that blows my mind. Last night we talked until 2 about religion and his spiritual thoughts and it was amazing. I am still walking around happier than I have ever been, so it’s not some high that I am about to come down off of.
Friday night, I blew up. I got drunk and was beyond an asshole. It is also so learned on many levels. All me and most of the people I dated, particularly Justin and Cory, did was get drunk and scream at each other. So, unlearning that is happening with the quickness, lemme tell you. I’ve already thought that through and I am actually going to take severe steps to make sure that that never ever happens again.
We were arguing about something honestly rather trivial and stupid and suddenly I crossed lines that I promised Channing that I would never cross, along with many that I promised myself I would never cross. I reacted to my own emotional build up with anger. It was not ok. It’s funny, I always argued to Channing that picking battles was important. I still stand by that, but in a new light. If it becomes an argument, it needs to be addressed. I honestly felt like I spent all last week not being heard, in spite of the fact that I was talking SO much. And that built and built until the damn burst. And I then said horrible things that I truly did not mean. I am so ridiculously upset with myself that “Fuck you” crossed my lips. It was childish and hurtful to a man that I love very much. And the fact that he spent an entire night thinking that we were broken up kills me. KILLS ME. Like I am tearing up as I write this. He’s gone through too much and has dealt with too many people leaving him. I never meant to ever come across as one of those people, because I will always be here for him. I can’t believe that I put him through that. I still haven’t forgiven myself.
However, we talked it out the next day and the rest of the weekend was paradise. Saturday night was the best night of my life. We were supposed to go to a party but instead we got MacDonald’s and sat in a study room and talked until 2:30 AM about us, our pasts, our futures, acting theory, EVERYTHING. Then went back to his room and had MIND BLOWING sex. The combination of the fact that we hadn’t been in a bed, naked, and sober during sex (usually we have to sneak it with some clothes on and the last couple of times we haven’t and have actually had his room to ourselves have been after parties) in like 3 weeks on top of the emotional rebuilding and reassurance with the added, uh, he’s the best I have EVER had skill set wise and only keeps getting better. I have never been more sexually attracted to anyone, emotionally or physically. I have yet to dream about having sex with anyone else or fantasize about anyone during sex or masturbation but him, which is completely new for me. And the eye contact we make during sex…oh my god dude. I see his soul. And it’s…beyond words. I could write volumes upon volumes about what I see in his eyes.
This relationship is so amazing. I keep writing the best night of my life because he keeps giving me another one. Everyone I have dated or cared about or seen sexually has fallen away. It’s not that they are not there, because they have obviously influenced me to think and act as I do, but I’ve stopped thinking about Justin and Cory or anyone else for that matter. They don’t cross my mind unless someone else brings them up. It’s like they were never there. Channing makes me feel virginal again, everything is so new, which is AAAAAAAAAA-WESOME, because I haven’t felt virginal about anything in a while. Like years. I have always been the one who is more experienced in everything because I am the wild child who lost his virginity at like 14 and hit the ground running from there with sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.
But with Channing it’s different. When I helped walk him through using a beer bong on Friday, the very next one I took felt like my first. Every time we have sex it’s like the first time. It’s like I am trying everything for the first time. And I am because it is the first time with him, which is what truly matters. I feel like everything before was a dress rehearsal for this performance. And goddamnit if we won’t get a standing ovation.
Protected: And to be completely honest, you’re not like all the rest…
In Uncategorized on February 3, 2009 at 10:45 amProtected: but the truth is I’ve found something new, and she easily towers over you
In Uncategorized on January 22, 2009 at 4:06 pm..
In Uncategorized on January 16, 2009 at 5:18 amYou don’t understand what you’re doing.
I don’t understand what I’m saying.
Is there always some fucking cycle?
Is this what’s constant?
I thought I was doing everything right for once.
I’m trying pretty fucking hard, my bleeding wounds pouring emotion
from places I didn’t know
were cut.
And now you’ve created something you can’t and don’t want understand by no fault of your own.
Fuck.
and i was picinic, i was no prize, but i had just enough sweetness, to keep you hypnotized
In Uncategorized on January 15, 2009 at 11:53 pmWell I suppose it’s time for an update in all this crazy time. New semester. I am taking classes again, with much thanks to my parents. I am pretty excited.
It’s: Tues: 9:30-10:45 Addiction and Prevention
11:00-12:15 Physical and Cultural Anthropology
1:00-2:15 Introduction to World Relgions
7:00-9:40U.S. History 1885 to Present
Thursday is the same but instead of the U.S. History class, I am taking an English Compostion class from 4:00 pm – 6:40 pm. I am actually pretty excited. My sociology instructor already loves me, as does my U.S. History professor.
It’s weird being at community college though. I am used to something more regiourous in all honesty but, who says that’s a bad thing? It will just probably lend to my succuess. Though obviously nothing is going to be easy persay, it is deffinately not going to be as challenging as VCU, minus the Addiction and Religon class just based on the content. But here’s to a new semester.
The job search is still sucking harder than Paris Hilton at her Senior prom, but I am just trying to remain positive on that front. To quote Nick, just maifest it.
Everything else is kinda beautiful too. Channing is an awesome boyfriend. We have a genuine understanding of each other that really helps us do this long distance thing. He still has me giddy, it’s ridiculous. He makes me really happy, he is a friend who understands me, who I also get to go so much deeper with. Doesn’t hurt that the sex is bangin’ too. And due to dreams earlier this week, it has become evident that we are quite spiritually aligned, which is probably really why everything listed above is going on lol.
Annnd I get to see him this weekend, and my bro is going with me, which is awesome.
And the thought just crossed my mind that really intreaged me: When I typed the phrase “lol” above, I thought about how ridiculous that phrase might look to me in 10 years. I then thought bigger and realized that someone could be looking at this entry years from now, they will have no idea what it means, they will have to look it up, which means a significant anthropological discovery millions of years from now might be the meaning of “lol”.
anyways, as for my emotional state due to various events this week, I feel like the best way to express them would be a music mantage:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9VHpdmIrFM]
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAyZNDpSObI]
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRnM6p1GhVQ]
yeah I’m really looking forward to this weekend… lol.
imma do things i wanna do..
In Life on January 13, 2009 at 11:49 pmhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_jGlyqoYoo
They say i need some rogaine to put in my hair
Work it out at the gym to fit my underwear
Okaley makes the shades to transform a tool
You’d hate for the kids to think that you’ve lost your cool
Imma do the things that i wanna do
I ain’t got a thing to prove to you
I’ll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if i make a scene
I ain’t gonna wear the clothes that you like
I’m fine and dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and i’m tickled pink
I don’t give a hoot about what you think
everyone likes to dance to a happy song
with a catchy chorus and beat so they can sing along
timbaland knows the way to reach the top of the charts
maybe if i work with him i can perfect the art
Imma do the things that i wanna do
I ain’t got a thing to prove to you
I’ll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if i make a scene
I ain’t gonna wear the clothes that you like
I’m fine and dandy with the me inside
one look in the mirror and i’m tickled pink
I don’t give a hoot about what you think
no, i don’t care
i don’t care
i don’t care
i don’t care
i don’t care
i don’t care
Imma do the things that i wanna do
I ain’t got a thing to prove to you
I’ll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if i make a scene
I ain’t gonna wear the clothes that you like
I’m fine and dandy with the me inside
one look in the mirror and i’m tickled pink
I don’t give a hoot about what you think..
here that, Chi Chi? Sit on it.
note: this is shortly becoming a video blog. get excited.
Tarot: Past and Present.
In Uncategorized on January 5, 2009 at 3:02 amFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Love,
Tyler.
