Both hands, please use both hands…

So I must admit the last few days have involved a lot of thinking.

The other day Jackie and I painted “the board”. 

..and when we leave the landlord will come, and paint over it all..

And if you know what  “ the board” in tales, you realize the importance of such a step.  I was never directly involved with it, just all of the people. So many would argue that I had no business being involved. I would whole heartedly disagree. Nor do I think that it was a bad thing. That board had a lot of toxic memories for everyone who wrote on it, no matter how many people wrote on it. Every time I looked at it, I just thought these horrible thoughts. The board was the summation of Norfolk, right before I walked in and turned everything upside down (quite unintentionally, thank you.)  And something had to change, and Jackie would not have done it with me if she weren’t in agreeance  lol. So we painted over everything, and then wrote a line from our song by Ani D. , stating “and we’re recording our history now on the bedroom wall, and when we leave the landlord with come, and paint over it all”.

And it made me realize so many things about that section/my first 2 years at college.

I have truly made a great friend in Jackie White. This has been reaffirmed the last couple of times we hung out, specifically when we watched the Sweetest Thing again and realized it’s a mirror, and then when  the whole Marie thing happened. We started so long ago, and our relationship has been weird at points, and there were points we were not allowed to speak (well, I wasn’t which is so fucking ridiculous) but we still maintain this bond. And now we are truly adult friends with adult ambitions. And I feel like that since we’ve come this far, we will be friends for our entire lives. Other than my brothers, I have met someone who is going to be at my wedding, the birth of my children, the passing of lovers, and ultimately our own. It’s ridiculous and amazing. As I said to her other night, “Jackie, I can’t wait until we conquer a city together.” And she agreed. Who knows when that will be, but I have a feeling it’s sooner than later.

Uh, I really hardly like to think that I have had any relationship that was a mistake, because I live without regrets. And as I was explaining to Channing last night, the only reason I keep my old journals is so I can look back and not make the same mistakes, but I look at the last couple go-rounds with Justin and all I can see is a mistake. One big one.  We should have stopped when I was a big enough asshole to put mangos and letter on his front porch.

Not that I didn’t care about him or really truly think that we could work on some level, but looking back GODDAMN DUDE . What the HELL were we thinking. We tore each other to pieces. Literally shreds. Like I think that only he and I truly understand how much we fucked each other up. And maybe his shrink, but damn dude. I was such an asshole that he needed a shrink, and I probably should have gone to one honestly, but I mean, I’ve probably needed to do that since I came out. But we literally gutted each other. I will never forget the last conversation we had before we ended permanently. I was SO drunk and high as shit, and I had to be to numb myself enough to even say what I needed to say. And we had the first civil conversation we had had in months.  And we completely removed emotions and looked at the facts. He wanted a husband, I wanted a boyfriend and at the moment couldn’t even process being a husband. And in his mind, he was never my boyfriend or friend. And I don’t mean that in an attacking manner, it’s just the facts. I was so concerned about my career and just life path that time, I couldn’t do it. And honestly, I had basically been in a boys arms since high school, his for 18 months. I needed to be alone. Completely alone.  I had to find myself.

And I did. With the help of a really close group of friends, whom I will always cherish deeply, and a place that will always hold a special spot in my heart, I found this stifled person, who had been so concerned with my boyfriend, or what my friends thought, and all this excessive shit. I had been tied down for two very important and formative years, but the whole time I was holding the keys to escape. I allowed this stifling to occur. I could have done something rather than cut myself on my bathroom floor to be found by my roommate and boyfriend. I finally take ownership of my actions, which has always been hard for me.

And so then I was prepared to give myself to Channing, because with the help of the summer and a large part of the semester being single and away from school and a lot of people, I could really come clean with a lot of shit and be prepared to be an amazing boyfriend. Because he deserves it. Goddamn, does he deserve it. And I deserve the right to make someone feel as amazing as they are.  And I have never had that.

By the way, we just reached one month of being together. And it’s been so amazing. I for once don’t feel the need to run or intentionally fuck things up. And I see this going for a while. I feel like I have known him for so long that sometimes I am like “Oh yeah, that’s right, I have TONS of shit I get to learn about you”. Which is awesome. And he’s just so amazing in so many ways that he doesn’t even know. He makes me melt with each text message, all the phone calls, the way he looks at me, the way our hands fit perfectly, not only from a size stand point, but our arms are also and specifically the way he says, “I love you, baby”. And for once, I actually believe it.  It’s a little ridiculous.

 

So thus, I painted a board. lol

I’d walk through hell for you, let the torturing insue, my soul is useless without you..

so my life.

New job: Cheesecake Factory. I am currently selling gift cards and will be moving over to serving shortly. It’s very gay. And I’m not quite sure how to handle it. Cause 1. I’m very…not. and 2. I get hit on. a lot. and I strongly dislike it. I think I notice it more because…

 

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. Who is positively divine. I love him. I can honestly say that I do. He makes everything that is bad go away. It’s so ridiculous.  Like I worried about my getting over Justin, but then I did. And I was so worried about taking baggage from that into my new relationship, that my next boyfriend would always be paying for Justin and what happened with all of that.

Nope.

Channing is so wonderfully unique, and our relationship and love, and loving styles are unique that it’s be hard to really bring all of that in. Point 1. ..I can call my boyfriend  ’dude’. It’s awesome.

I feel like we couldn’t have possibly found each other a better places. We both are somewhat jaded to men, and we both have been through a lot of similar issues with family  and assault and friends etc. We are also both jumping off in new directions with our lives, that also don’t  separate or bow out in different directions like my past boyfriends.

I feel so wonderfully virginal. That all of my past baggage and relationships are just that, past. It feels almost as if I am looking onto a past life even. I met Channing and so much of me just changed already. I had this desire to be a better person, not just for him, but for me.

Weird, because looking back in hindsight, I truly seemed to practically get off on my own masochism. The pot, the booze, God the booze, and all that entailed with that. I was tail-spinning, the scene that runs through my head is the scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre when the person is being pulled down into the basement and they dig their nails in, but even their nails peel off.

then I am introduced/put in contact with this man, and I go, and I walk out, and there he is. His beautiful eyes and smile, as he puts in his jewelry after his show, a Mary Washington hoodie, torn light blue jeans and flip flips. He immediately tries to make things less awkward with casual conversation and one of the prettiest, heart warming laughs I’ve ever heard. And my immediate thought was “God, this is gonna be so amazing.”

His hand fits perfectly in mine. We are the perfect height difference not only for kissing, but for putting arms around each others waists and shoulders. It’s Eire almost. And we can talk for hours and hours or comfortably enjoy silence. We don’t always agree, but God, we even disagree well. 

Dare I say…perfect?

I do dare say I love him.

I am a work in progress, dressed in the fabric of a world unfolding..

So I’ve been through many a livejournal, and all they seem to do is create drama. I am making this blog to share my thoughts with anyone who wants to read them, but in all likelyhood not be found by people who want to create drama.

So I’ve been spending this summer in Cherokee, NC. I’m working as an actor this summer in the play Unto These Hills…a Retelling. It’s been a rather frustrating but rewarding situation.

 

Unprofessional, in a word.

something cherokee this way comes..

However, I have grown in ways as an artist and a person that I never really anticipated experiencing at this juncture in my life. I am for once happy to be single and I have had almost a full three months to really get to know and love myself. I have always struggled with this, moving very quickly from person to person, and always generally looking far into the future before it was ever called for, which lead to many blunders and heartaches. I couldn’t imagine just seeing someone, no commitments, just really getting to know them and feeling everything out.

The people up here have really helped with that. Some have been helpful in advice, others in actions. I watched my own relationship fall apart due to the overwhelming level of commitment that was demanded of me. While I am not pretending to be a perfect person, nor am I pretending that I was just in my selfishness, I know that the reason the relationship broke down for me was my partners inability to take it a day at a time, and the reason it broke down for him and eventually breaking up with me was because I was unable to make promises for years in the future.

As an artist, I have grown in ways that I never anticipated. The script is less than desirable, but I have worked hard all summer and I am pleased with the results. The audience gives the leading cast a really positive response every night.

I have also grown tremendously thanks to the canteen shows. I directed and performed in Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockheadand I am now working on 2 shows written and directed by one of the actors. I have been able to take the night after night repetition and acting practice and applied it to these shows. The parts (all 4, including UTH) are a pretty wide range, and I have found it enjoyable to work on all of them.

I have also learned a lot about myself spiritually. I have taken a great interest in the Quaker, Buddhist, and Kabbalist religions. I plan on looking into them more intently when I get back into Richmond, particularly the Quaker religion.

I am truely begining my life. I just sigined a lease and paid paid rent for an apartment. I am getting ready to pay all of my bills and work for a living rather than sitting around looking for my parents permission and approval.

 

I am finally me. Or at least well on my way.

have you ever lost yourself in a kiss?

“have you ever been kissed by god? passionately (tongue, lips, etc.)? or are you one who simply condemns god to the realm of the invisible? when do you feel most comfortable? when do you feel most loved? perhaps it is in the warm embrace of your lover or in the assuring touch of your mother. perhaps, like me you have likened this person to god in your life and realized that god was loving you through them. or maybe you don’t believe in god. cool. here’s a simpler question: have you ever lost yourself in a kiss? i mean pure psychedelic inebriation. not just lustful petting but transcendental metamorphosis when you become aware that the greatness of this being was breathing into you. licking the sides and corners of your mouth, like sealing a thousand fleshy envelopes filled with the essence of your passionate being and then opened by the same mouth and delivered back to you, over and over again – the first kiss of the rest of your life. a kiss that confirms that the universe is aligned, that the world’s greatest resource is love, and maybe even that god is a woman. with or without a belief in god, all kisses are metaphors decipherable by allocations of time, circumstance, and understanding. this book is a result of a kiss.”

-Saul Willaims