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Protected: Do you wanna come over?, I know it’s a long drive from Malibu, I got a pocket full of pills…

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Protected: Caution- To Avoid Fire or Explosion or Spontaneous Combustion:

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Protected: so.

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Protected: russian

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Protected: 101 things to do in 1,001 Days

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Protected: “Not only are you lying to people, you are slowing down the progress of the entire human race..”-SP

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Protected: Torn…just like that fucking 90’s song.

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And to be completely honest…

This weekend man.

Well, to be completely honest, it wasn’t all fun and games. But it ended with me happier than I have ever been in my life. Ever. We reached an understanding of each other that blows my mind. Last night we talked until 2 about religion and his spiritual thoughts and it was amazing. I am still walking around happier than I have ever been, so it’s not some high that I am about to come down off of.

Friday night, I blew up. I got drunk and was beyond an asshole. It is also so learned on many levels. All me and most of the people I dated, particularly Justin and Cory, did was get drunk and scream at each other. So, unlearning that is happening with the quickness, lemme tell you. I’ve already thought that through and I am actually going to take severe steps to make sure that that never ever happens again.

We were arguing about something honestly rather trivial and stupid and suddenly I crossed lines that I promised Channing that I would never cross, along with many that I promised myself I would never cross. I reacted to my own emotional build up with anger. It was not ok. It’s funny, I always argued to Channing that picking battles was important. I still stand by that, but in a new light. If it becomes an argument, it needs to be addressed. I honestly felt like I spent all last week not being heard, in spite of the fact that I was talking SO much. And that built and built until the damn burst. And I then said horrible things that I truly did not mean. I am so ridiculously upset with myself that “Fuck you” crossed my lips. It was childish and hurtful to a man that I love very much. And the fact that he spent an entire night thinking that we were broken up kills me. KILLS ME. Like I am tearing up as I write this. He’s gone through too much and has dealt with too many people leaving him. I never meant to ever come across as one of those people, because I will always be here for him. I can’t believe that I put him through that. I still haven’t forgiven myself.

However, we talked it out the next day and the rest of the weekend was paradise. Saturday night was the best night of my life. We were supposed to go to a party but instead we got MacDonald’s and sat in a study room and talked until 2:30 AM about us, our pasts, our futures, acting theory, EVERYTHING. Then went back to his room and had MIND BLOWING sex. The combination of the fact that we hadn’t been in a bed, naked, and sober during sex (usually we have to sneak it with some clothes on and the last couple of times we haven’t and have actually had his room to ourselves have been after parties) in like 3 weeks on top of the emotional rebuilding and reassurance with the added, uh, he’s the best I have EVER had skill set wise and only keeps getting better. I have never been more sexually attracted to anyone, emotionally or physically. I have yet to dream about having sex with anyone else or fantasize about anyone during sex or masturbation but him, which is completely new for me. And the eye contact we make during sex…oh my god dude. I see his soul. And it’s…beyond words. I could write volumes upon volumes about what I see in his eyes.

This relationship is so amazing. I keep writing the best night of my life because he keeps giving me another one. Everyone I have dated or cared about or seen sexually has fallen away. It’s not that they are not there, because they have obviously influenced me to think and act as I do, but I’ve stopped thinking about Justin and Cory or anyone else for that matter. They don’t cross my mind unless someone else brings them up. It’s like they were never there. Channing makes me feel virginal again, everything is so new, which is AAAAAAAAAA-WESOME, because I haven’t felt virginal about anything in a while. Like years. I have always been the one who is more experienced in everything because I am the wild child who lost his virginity at like 14 and hit the ground running from there with sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.

But with Channing it’s different. When I helped walk him through using a beer bong on Friday, the very next one I took felt like my first. Every time we have sex it’s like the first time. It’s like I am trying everything for the first time. And I am because it is the first time with him, which is what truly matters. I feel like everything before was a dress rehearsal for this performance. And goddamnit if we won’t get a standing ovation.

Protected: And to be completely honest, you’re not like all the rest…

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Protected: Emulation. Thus, I owe no royalties.

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Protected: but the truth is I’ve found something new, and she easily towers over you

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..

You don’t understand what you’re doing.
I don’t understand what I’m saying.
Is there always some fucking cycle?
Is this what’s constant?

I thought I was doing everything right for once.
I’m trying pretty fucking hard, my bleeding wounds pouring emotion
from places I didn’t know
were cut.

And now you’ve created something you can’t and don’t want understand by no fault of your own.

Fuck.

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and i was picinic, i was no prize, but i had just enough sweetness, to keep you hypnotized

Well I suppose it’s time for an update in all this crazy time. New semester. I am taking classes again, with much thanks to my parents. I am pretty excited.

It’s: Tues: 9:30-10:45 Addiction and Prevention

11:00-12:15 Physical and Cultural Anthropology

1:00-2:15 Introduction to World Relgions

7:00-9:40U.S. History 1885 to Present

Thursday is the same but instead of the U.S. History class, I am taking an English Compostion class from 4:00 pm – 6:40 pm. I am actually pretty excited. My sociology instructor already loves me, as does my U.S. History professor.

It’s weird being at community college though. I am used to something more regiourous in all honesty but, who says that’s a bad thing? It will just probably lend to my succuess. Though obviously nothing is going to be easy persay, it is deffinately not going to be as challenging as VCU, minus the Addiction and Religon class just based on the content. But here’s to a new semester.

The job search is still sucking harder than Paris Hilton at her Senior prom, but I am just trying to remain positive on that front. To quote Nick, just maifest it.

Everything else is kinda beautiful too. Channing is an awesome boyfriend. We have a genuine understanding of each  other that really helps us do this long distance thing. He still has me giddy, it’s ridiculous. He makes me really happy, he is a friend who understands me, who I also get to go so much deeper with. Doesn’t hurt that the sex is bangin’ too. And due to dreams earlier this week, it has become evident that we are quite spiritually aligned, which is probably really why everything listed above is going on lol.

Annnd I get to see him this weekend, and my bro is going with me, which is awesome.

And the thought just crossed my mind that really intreaged me: When I typed the phrase “lol” above, I thought about how ridiculous that phrase might look to me in 10 years. I then thought bigger and realized that someone could be looking at this entry years from now, they will have no idea what it means, they will have to look it up, which means a significant anthropological discovery millions of years from now might be the meaning of “lol”.

anyways,  as for my emotional state due to various events this week, I feel like the best way to express them would be a music mantage:

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9VHpdmIrFM]

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAyZNDpSObI]

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRnM6p1GhVQ]

yeah I’m really looking forward to this weekend… lol.

Tarot: Past and Present.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Love,

Tyler.

I’d walk through hell for you, let the torturing insue, my soul is useless without you..

so my life.

New job: Cheesecake Factory. I am currently selling gift cards and will be moving over to serving shortly. It’s very gay. And I’m not quite sure how to handle it. Cause 1. I’m very…not. and 2. I get hit on. a lot. and I strongly dislike it. I think I notice it more because…

 

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. Who is positively divine. I love him. I can honestly say that I do. He makes everything that is bad go away. It’s so ridiculous.  Like I worried about my getting over Justin, but then I did. And I was so worried about taking baggage from that into my new relationship, that my next boyfriend would always be paying for Justin and what happened with all of that.

Nope.

Channing is so wonderfully unique, and our relationship and love, and loving styles are unique that it’s be hard to really bring all of that in. Point 1. ..I can call my boyfriend  ’dude’. It’s awesome.

I feel like we couldn’t have possibly found each other a better places. We both are somewhat jaded to men, and we both have been through a lot of similar issues with family  and assault and friends etc. We are also both jumping off in new directions with our lives, that also don’t  separate or bow out in different directions like my past boyfriends.

I feel so wonderfully virginal. That all of my past baggage and relationships are just that, past. It feels almost as if I am looking onto a past life even. I met Channing and so much of me just changed already. I had this desire to be a better person, not just for him, but for me.

Weird, because looking back in hindsight, I truly seemed to practically get off on my own masochism. The pot, the booze, God the booze, and all that entailed with that. I was tail-spinning, the scene that runs through my head is the scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre when the person is being pulled down into the basement and they dig their nails in, but even their nails peel off.

then I am introduced/put in contact with this man, and I go, and I walk out, and there he is. His beautiful eyes and smile, as he puts in his jewelry after his show, a Mary Washington hoodie, torn light blue jeans and flip flips. He immediately tries to make things less awkward with casual conversation and one of the prettiest, heart warming laughs I’ve ever heard. And my immediate thought was “God, this is gonna be so amazing.”

His hand fits perfectly in mine. We are the perfect height difference not only for kissing, but for putting arms around each others waists and shoulders. It’s Eire almost. And we can talk for hours and hours or comfortably enjoy silence. We don’t always agree, but God, we even disagree well. 

Dare I say…perfect?

I do dare say I love him.

She said “I can’t get laid in this town,Without these pointy fucking shoes,My feet are so black and blue and so are you.”

So it’s been a while since I have posted, so I feel like it was time.

I am in Richmond. It’s currently 3 A.M. and I can’t sleep.

I am living with Nick and I like it a lot. We kinda jumped right back into it.  It’s really nice to have my best friend back.

I am working as waiter at Blackfinn Restaurant and Saloon and I love it which scares me. Because it gives me such a lack of desire to go back to school…but we’ll see. I would love to just put away like 3 grand then sell all of my shit minus like a carry on bag and move to England or Amsterdam or some where just different.

I find myself missing Cherokee. I mean, I knew that I would miss the people, but I actually miss Rez…more so the mountains and the quite than anything else.

And I find myself missing Justin, which is retarded. I am not going to allow myself to start the whole, “Well…it works…kinda…so let’s do it” cycle again. However, I do wish he would give me like 15 minutes on the phone to know how he’s doing and honestly, if I don’t get a “happy birthday” text or call, I’ll be pretty hurt. Not that he’ll care. One of the less desirable qualities of Justin is that when he is hurt by you emotionally or he doesn’t feel like he is getting more than his fair share of you, he’s a total douche bag. Ask me, Jackie…there is actually quite a list.

Correction, he likes to act like a total douche bag. He can’t really do it, but it makes him feel like a bad ass. Hahah I will forever be Brian and he, my Justin.

I don’t know that we ever get over a person. We might move on, and become capable  of having another relationship, perhaps a more meaningful one, but get over? That’s a strong way of putting it.

At the same time, I have to swear off so many things to stop thinking about him and us… Alanis, which is fine, ramen, the shitty stove in my kitchen, Harrison St., The Village, Mojos, Six Feet Under.. the list goes on.

And the fucker still has my orange hoodie. Which sucks. Cause it’s cold.

But at the same time, I feel moved on enough, between the space from him and Sean to really pursue something with someone. I am gonna be ridiculously picky, starting with not a Scorpio, but…I think I can do it..

However, I turn 21 in a week and a day…so I have no reason to rush at all.

So the basic update.. I am content. Somewhat happy. But mostly content.

Protected: please forgive me if I act a little strange, for I know not what I do..

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And it’s all right, yeah, I’ll be fine, don’t worry about this heart of mine…

So, this is my last public entery…everything from here on is friends only.

To a new begining…a new try…

and a music montage…

Beautiful/From the Orginal:

The New/Moving Forward:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=3YlV-NEsYkA

comment if you want to be added…

Thus, Thus, Thus every happy happy living thing, revels in the cheerful spring..

So I think that I might just be going crazy. Or being driven there.

Is crazy a destination?

Should it be “You are driving me to crazy” instead of “You’re driving me crazy” ?

I just in vision someone stuck in the back of a giant SUV, stuck in their seatbelt, passing a green highway sign that says: CRAZY 200…

Anyways, I just took and Art History test which I probably bombed, and now I am waiting around for Biology Lab, which is possibly the longest class known to man. Then I have to memorize a scene, which I could be doing now, but instead, I choose to indulge in some emotional extrication.

This weekend was fine. Sunday was ridiculous. An emotional rollercoaster as usual. I firmly believe in male PMS, more so than female, and they have the blood to prove it.

We were fine, and then we weren’t. We were fine, and then we weren’t. The day was wonderful but ended horribly.

Why? Many reasons:

1. Justin cannot handle being the bad guy. It is not within him. I guess that I spent so much of our relationship being the bad guy that he never embraced the idea that he might be at some point. And now that he is, he realizes how much it blows, so he keeps pulling my faults out, or my misgivings in order to distract. However, I am still so hurt by him hitting me, I just….don’t care. And I don’t feel like that’s my fault
2. Because he hit me, I am a whole lot more distant, which he cannot handle. Usually I am really affectionate, now I am just…not. Which is exactly how I got when I broke up with him, so he is assuming the same is coming. Thus, he picks more fights in a effort to get it over with.
3. We can just be toxic for each other, without even trying to be.

I feel alone and I am with someone. That’s not supposed to happen. Everytime I have gotten with someone else though, I have suddenly realized I have wanted to be with him and how much I love him.

But I would kinda just rather be with my friends. I am the most co-dependent person in the world. I always, always, always have had a boyfriend because I don’t know how to be alone or not with someone.

I think I am ready to learn.

the broken hearted, battle scared, I’ll be by your side…

fuck you and your untouchable face…

This is fucking rediculous.

let it be.

If you feel so bad, like you claim you do, then you should have really thought through your actions before doing them.

What done is done. Life is conseqnetial.

Just let it fucking be.

The distance and gap grows each day not because I am moving away, but because you are driving me away.

Send me cute “I love you”s

Smile on the phone.

Hug me when you see me, and kiss me like it will never happen again.

Just love me, and we will be ok.

BUT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT OR I WILL GO INSANE, AND I’M PRETTY FUCKING CLOSE!

Cheat on you? no, sweetheart, I wouldn’t even give you that. Then suddenly I’m the doochebag. It’d be convienient.

You have fucked me too hard.

You get to sit and exprince your actions just like I get to sit and exprince your actions.

You ask me to forgive you….. forgiving you was easy, but forgetting seems to take the longest time

So I’m in Art History…so update…

Life is fine. I’m not doing anything this weekend, which sucks ass. But some stress relief is supposed to be going down tonight, which in all technicalities is not the weekend.

Other than that, I have just been thinking and talking too much as usual.

Me, Nick, and Court had a lunch yesterday that ended up being 5 hours. Which was crazy hahaha.

We all actually noticed that we are the first time that all of our friends were our age. Minus Jessica, who always seemed older than me, all of my friends were older. But we are all on the same level, which is really cool.

But we talked about everything. And I realized a lot about myself that I had refused to talk about for a while.

I don’t believe in soul mates. Which is kind of scary for me to think about, so I never did. But Nick, Court, and I had a rather detailed discussion on it, and yeah, I think that is slightly ridiculous. I think that you can meet people who you love, and you will meet someone you will love above anyone else. But there is no soul involved. Your soul grows from interaction with other people, but your soul does it’s own growth and then adds to the collective. But soul mate…

Maybe I just loathe the term.

Maybe all hopeless romantic has been sucked out of me.

We also talked about marriage. I really don’t seek…marriage per say. I could just be in a committed relationship and be perfectly fine. I would honestly only get married for the other guy, if it was big deal to him. Or if kids are coming along. But otherwise…ehh. I think that you can have a solid, relationship without some piece of paper from the government that states “You must love each other til death do you part”

And we talked about “God” or at least man’s idea of “God”. Which I told them my theories and they told me theirs. Both of them are defiantly theists. And I’m the agonistic with atheistic tendencies. But we have also lived very different lives. I pointed out that you go through tough times, you turn to faith, a lot of people turn to the idea of the Christian god.

But then it keeps going…and so do you, and suddenly when it used to be so easy to believe in a god, it becomes so hard. I am jaded to the idea of god. And a life gets tougher and more happens… I will probably keep going.

And when anyone asks what I will do if there is a god and suddenly one day we have to chat…I think he and I will have a very interesting discussion.
And it so interesting to me that someone can discuss the idea that god is real, to impress those ideas on people. But when you speak the opposite, even non-religious people get uncomfortable. People who aren’t even Christians get offended when you say something against Jesus, particularly if you address the fact that he really was just a man.

I don’t feel like either of those things make me an unspiritual person. I am more in touch with myself as a person than I have ever been. I am all about some Zen. But….soulmates? god?..eh..

Otherwise life is chaos..

oh yeah, and….

let the sunshine…let the sunshine in…

So I just watched like the most brilliant scene.

A girl is at her father’s wake, her boyfirned is trying to convince her to drink less, but she won’t.

She gets hit on by this guy right infront of her boyfriend, who is helping her mother with food, and he just sits passively and watches.

Pan upstairs, boyfriend trying to find her, and he finds her being fingerd by the boy. She sees him, throws up, and the guy peaces. The boyfriend looks at her, and walks away, while she sits calling his name, her face covered in her own vomit.

The Loss of Sexual Innocence:
Confused, non-linear film tells the sexual story of a film director from his life at age 5, age 12, age 16, a man embarking on his first film in 1950’s Tunisia, and finally to his current life. Along the way he has sexual exploits with an older woman (Kelly McDonald) as a teen (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers), gets involved with an Italian couple Tunisia that culminates in the killing of a local boy and the brutal revenge murder of the woman (Saffron Burrows), and ultimately is married to a cold woman (Johanna Torrel).

Everyone should see it. It’s brilliant. It’s by the same guy who directed Leaving Las Vegas

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain, and now you’ve decided just to show me the same…

Well, I am sitting in Art History, and again, I really don’t feel like paying attention. So, I suppose that it is time for a real up date.

My mood has been rather odd, but melancholy typically. I have gotten less sad and jus t angrier about the “incident”. I am not really defining what that is because I don’t know what everyone knows, and frankly, I don’t want to be the one to explain it. He can. He did it. Not that I really feel like pussy footing around this shit. I just I guess want to respect him and not be the one to expose. Why I don’t know. But I always seem to be protecting him. Whether he sees it, doesn’t see it, refuses to acknowledge it, whatever…Not that it really needs to happen. It did happen between us. And I suppose all those people who were in the apartment building behind us.

Anyways, I am just trying to deal with all this shit. I know I keep writing that, and I feel perfectly ridiculous/ really bitchy saying that over and over. But I really can’t help it. I can’t seem to not think of that event.

And he keeps talking about giving it more time. More time? I mean, I suppose that is the easy answer. That’s incredibly convenient for him to say. And I’m sure that that is some of what I need. But I’m fairly certain that is not all of what I need.

Not that I know. I am still sorting that shit out.

He actually told me that he would be able to cope with it if I needed to fuck someone else. I’m not really sure what that would do. But he does know me well, doesn’t he? It is my total escape/super balancing action. Hahaha Tyler the Sexually Charged Libra..

Maybe, I don’t know honestly. It actually might help, but I am worried that I might make it worse. Particularly if it happens, and he doesn’t take it as well as he says he could (generally the case, no offense meant), and then suddenly once that action happens, I’m supposed to be over it. Like a trade off. And honestly, it wouldn’t be a trade off. That’s practically a joke. Bruise…used condom. There is no comparison.

I just don’t know. And I am sick of not knowing

We were supposed to be on a break this week. And we kind of were. But I keep calling him, trying to see if something happens. And…I don’t know, it kind of does.

I still love him. I do. I really do. I plan on calling him and plan on telling him how I feel and then he answers in his cute little “ ‘ello, howw are youu? I’m gooood..” and I just smile and the issue at hand melts away, and then I just talk to him for an hour or so and everything is fine. Then we hang up, and it’s like I was running from this bolder rolling down a hill, and the emotion, and feelings and thoughts just hit me in the back of the head. And I then sit and feel all this shit until the next phone call, and then I am so ready to spearhead this issue, and figure it the fuck out and then it’s “ ‘llo, howw are youu?”
And the cycle continues.

A break, a breakup, a fuck…

I have no idea.

say what you mean to say…say what you mean to say..

FUCK.

GODDAMN SHIT PISS CUNT COCKSUCKING FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!

thank you.

today was shit.

yesterday was BEYOND weird.

Hopefully tommorow will be normal.

And I can’t tell if it’s out of habit, or because there is the geniuine emotions of missing and longing…

P.S. Jackie White, we need to talk. That’s right, I called your ass out. What are ya gonna do about it?! lol

No one, no one, no one, can get in the way of what I’m feelin..

Even better than a lyric montage…

I focus on the pain, the only thing thats real..

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands
in eachother’s shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn’t explain it all
and I’m recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and eventually the landlord will come
and paint over it all

You know what you gotta do when life gets you down?
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming swimming swimming
What do we do we swim, swim, swim…

Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, tubby little cubby, all stuffed with fluff…

Wow, today was a really good.

We had a really good day today.

It’s less than a week. I still feel like hell. And I am sure that he knows that. I’m a good
actor, but there is only so much one can hide.
I love him. I really do. And I don’t plan on leaving him. Like I said to him last night, I gave Cory more than one shot. It’s only fair. Particularly since he has always meant more than Cory.

I’m still scared a shit though. There were moments today where I just almost freaked out. Lost it completely. I’m sure he can tell. He talked about how distant I was. I got more comfortable through out the day.

Still don’t know if the break is needed. I am actually kinda more lost after these two days…

But I have more confidence that we can make it work as a whole.

Which is comforting.

he is amazing though. he brought me a yellow rose, which is my favorie, and a copy of Winnie the Pooh on DVD. Which was THE movie I watched as a kid.

He knows he fucked up. Royally. Probably beyond what he can understand.

but he knows it. he is working hard. I can tell.

and it’s amazing. amazing.

I don’t know how to love him, what to do, how to move him..

So here I sit in Art History class..

Whhhhhyyyy

This is quite possibly the most obnoxious professor I’ve had. To put it in perspective…the fucker has a Maglight flashlight which he uses to point at you if he feels you aren’t paying attention.

What?

Anyways…

I can understand enjoying a class like this. I honestly thought I would enjoy Art History more when I started last fall. I enjoy art and examining it.

But god, it’s like having my teeth pulled without Novocain…

Not to mention I slept horribly. As usual. That’s no real surprise.

when does this get to stop?

now I’m lost in an ocean of pain…

….lost….

completely and utterly lost.

and it sucks, because I just finally felt found.

where words fail music speaks…

I’ve been thinking of a new direction
But I have to say
I’ve been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way

What’s love got to do, got to do with it
What’s love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What’s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

I won’t write you a love song
Cause you ask for it
Cause you “need” one
You see, I’m not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it’s make or breakin’ this
Is that why you wanted a love song?
Cause you ask for it
Cause you “need” one
You see, I’m not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it’s make or breakin’ this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don’t want it for a minute
Babe, I walk the seven seas
When I believe that there’s a reason to write you a love song
Today.

Hurt me
Why in the world did you hurt me?
Just when I thought
I’d found someone to trust, you took away your love and

Hurt me
I still can’t believe you hurt me
Just when I thought it was safe to come in
You let me want you, and need you, and then
You left me, like a child in the rain
Now I’m mending myself of the pain
Oh, you hurt me

Yes, you left me
Like a child in the rain
Now I’m lost in an ocean of pain
Oh, you hurt me
I fell in love and it hurt me
Can’t you imagine how I’m feeling now?
Oh, will you ever know how?
you hurt me

well its gone gone baby, its all gone
there’s no one on the corner and there’s no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it’s over for me and it’s over for you

i believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well i guess we’re gonna find out
let’s see how far we’ve come
let’s see how far we’ve come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, i guess, we’re gonna pretend,
let’s see how far we’ve come

I’ve looked at love from both sides now, from give and take and still somehow, it’s loves illusions.

druuunk….

fuck even, and all things that are.

Now I’m of consenting age…

THE FUCK?!

So my Dad found out I got my nipples pierced. And we fought about it for like 3 hours, more about why I did it.

So, he stops me tonight to talk to me, and informs me that I am going to take them out, so long as he is paying for everything, a threat that he made for years that I assumed was empty.

Apparently not.

Which is ironic, considering that if he hadn’t have found the soap I use for them, he wouldn’t have known.

Just like if he hadn’t have found the gay porn, he wouldn’t have known.

So, obviously since you are so involved dear father, and I keep you so fucking informed, logically you have every right to tell me how to conduct my life.

Since you are so involved.

And to top it ALL off, I was so angry I couldn’t respond..he’s flying to Vagas.

I have to wait for my father, who feels that he is so involved in my life, which he doesn’t know I have a tattoo, didn’t know I had my nipples pierced, or that I have fucked 29 men, to come back to discuss this.

I rest my case. And I need a ciggerett.

It’s gonna be a long, loong fucking semester.

because I got high, because I got high, because I got hiiiiigh

[Marital Status]	Not married? But working towards it.
[Shoe size]	12
[Parents still together]	yes
[Siblings]	2 bros, pretty much the coolest kids you’ll meet
[Pets]	1 dog, who is more of a cat
FAVORITES
[Color]	BLue
[Number]	14
[Animal]	Penguin
[Drinks]	Burbon and Coke or a Rum and Coke
[Soda]	Coke
[Book]	Still Life with Woodpecker
[Flower]	A yellow rose
DO YOU
[Color your hair?]	Have before
[Twirl your hair?]	Like it’s my job
[Have tattoos?]	Yes
[Have Piercings?]	Yes
[Cheat on tests/homework?]	Who hasn’t?
[Drink/Smoke?]	Yes/ And Yes when I drink, no in general
[Like roller coasters?]	Love them
[Wish you could live somewhere else?]	Yes
[Want more piercings?]	Yes
[Write in cursive or print?]	That’s a complicated question..it looks like both?
[Own a web cam?]	No
[Know how to drive?]	Yes
[Own a cell phone?]	Yes
[Ever get off the damn computer?]	Yes
HAVE U EVER
[Been in a fist fight?]	Yes
[Considered a life of crime?]	Yes. But when people go starving so our capitalistic country can jerk itself off, we are ALL leading lives of crime.
[Considered being a hooker?]	Haha frequently. It’d be such an easy job.
[Lied to someone?]	Yes
[Been in love?]	Yes
[Made out with JUST a friend?]	Yes…hasn’t everyone?
[Been in lust?]	Hahahah a perpetual state
[Used someone]	Yes
[Been used?]	HAHAHA yes. A lot.
[Been cheated on?]	Yes
[Kicked someone in the nuts?]	Yes
[Stolen anything?]	Yes
[Held a gun]	Yes
CURRENTS
[Current clothing]	A pair of grey sweats and an old college t-shirt
[Current mood]	Good-ish
[Current taste]
[What you currently smell like]	Old Spice deoderent
[Current hair]	There?
[Current thing I ought to be doing]	Sleeping
[Current cd in stereo]	A mix tape I made
[Last book you read]	The Goat, or Who is Syliva? … again
[Last movie you saw]	Sweeney Todd in theatres, Fracture at home. Both are really good.
[Last thing you ate]	An omlet I made
[Last person you talked to on the phone]	Justin
[Do drugs?]	No
[Believe there is life on other planets?]	Yes
Remember your first love?]	Yes
[Still love him/her?]	In an “I will always love you, but I’m not in love with you” way…yeah
[Read the newspaper?]	Not today
[Have any gay or lesbian friends?]	No. I hate fags. Gay people are actually whats wrong with the world…we need to focus on gay marrige, not our failing education system, a pointless war, or the millions of people without proper health…but those gays..
[Believe in miracles?]	Haha yes, I passed Psyc last spring.
[Do well in school?]	HA.
[Wear hats]	No
[Hate yourself?]	Working on it.
[Have an obsession?]	Music. And art in all forms.
[Collect anything?]	Haha I could make a really crude comment…
[Have a best friend?]	Yes
[Close friends?]	Yes
[Like your handwriting?]	Yes, it’s actually quite unique…even though I suppose everyone’s is
[Care about looks]	No, not really.
LOVE LIFE
[First crush]	Luke
[First kiss]	Ariel Vergalles
[Do you believe in love at first sight?]	Yes
[Do you believe in "the one?"]	….don’t want to talk about it…
[Are you a tease?]	Absolutely.
[Too shy to make the first move?]	Hahah
ARE U A
[Daydreamer]	Yes
[Bitch/Asshole]	Yes
[sarcastic]	Beyond comparison.
[Angel]	With a severe wing clipping
[Devil]	Indeed. Some would say the man himself.
[Shy]	Hardly
[Talkative]	Yes
CREATE YOUR OWN! – or – GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

ooooh say can you seee….

Get it,gurrrrl

Accapella audtions tonight…..

whoops…I just wet myself

kiss me, beneath the bearded barley…

A new journal title…for a new chapter.

I love Justin Gardner Brown…

It’s pretty sweet.

home is a feeling I buried in you…

So my last night in my house has been a quite one.

Everyone is out conducting their own lives while I pack mine up ( I smell a ballad coming on)

I could have had my room completely packed. But I don’t.

It’s hard. I am walking around the place where to be honest, and not sound ridiculously dramatic, that I felt home though I have lived many places.

My house that I am unfortunately moving back to is full of close minded people who don’t accept me for who I am. I have always been trying to get away, to the point of trying to move to New York city.

Pembroke had a lot of people who loved me, but I didn’t fit and the man that brought me there died.

Norfolk was close but it was still Justin’s place with Justin’s friends. And they grew to be mine (sort of.) but I still felt like I was almost invading.

I moved back and into Pine Street, and then promptly back out to the apartment, which was again Justin’s.

I came back to Pine Street, licking my wounds from the break-up and I was planning on moving out. I packed all of my stuff and was looking for places. Then Stevie wanted my room downstairs and so I moved all of my stuff up. I kept looking and couldn’t find anything that worked, because first off I was trying to move in to a place with Landon, who I was at the time fucking, so that didn’t work.

I then decided, what the hell, I will just sign the lease for another year, and if something wonderful turns up, I will sublet.

And then I had one of the best summers of my life. Tremendously confusing. Very emotional. Very painful. And I learned more about myself then I had ever really dreamed of knowing.

It was that emotion, that pain, that forced me to grow into something.

Stevie taught me a lot.

I was telling Justin one of my best memories of Pine Street last night:

I had just broken up with Justin and I was a wreck. I spent the first four days after our break up in my room, only leaving to get water and use the bathroom. I spent it watching our movies, holding Pooh, and just crying. On the fourth day, it was pouring down rain outside and I guess Stevie got sick of it. She ran into my room, grabbed my hand, and pulled me outside. We were soaked immediately by stepping outside. She pulled me in the middle of the street, and yelled “RUN!”.

I looked at her like she was completely insane, and the realized I didn’t give a fuck.

We ran all the way down the street, full sprint until we hit the dead end, where has a little grass field thing. We flopped down on the grass, heaving. I thought my lungs were going to explode. But for the first time in probably 3 weeks, I felt completely and utterly alive.

One of my best memories in my life thus far is heaving in the mud next to Stevie, heaving and laughing and crying all at the same time.
The rest of the summer was full of drunken nights, sex-capades, and illegal drug use. I know who I am now, or at least I have a much better grip on it.

I am going to miss all of it: getting stoned off my ass with Ariel and watching Colbert re-runs. Getting skied up with Stevie and walking down by the river with Cash. Movie nights in PJs with ice cream. Crying over the loves of our lives with Ryan, realizing that no one was gonna be just like them and kicking ourselves for finding them so damn early and not drinking Blue Moon because it hurt too bad (Justin and Maria’s favs). Trying shrooms and realizing that god is dead, and that humans really suck at being together.

It was amazing.

And now I am packing it all up, and leaving this place. I never thought that I would ever feel this way about some where.

I guess I’d never been home before.

now, i’m of consenting age, to be forgeting you in a cabaret somewhere..

“I have found that a few moments of bestial pleasure is followed by hours of self-loathing”

FUUUUUCK.

I watch a goddamn movie..what opera is playing in it? Carmen.

AKA the best birthday gift I have ever received and perhaps the best night of my entire life thus far.

An opera, with a guy who didn’t like opera but loved me enough to sit through 3 hours of French and high Cs, then back to appletinis and incredible sex.

FUCK THIS!

I left you, and however smart or stupid that might have been, I am not supposed to feel like this. I am not supposed to see you when I kiss him, I am not supposed to fantasize about fucking you when I am fucking him.

YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THIS CONTROL.

I still love you and I hate it. I fucking despise the fact that I love you, that I miss you. That I can’t at least listen to you talk.

I hate myself for sleeping with Pooh every fucking night, holding tight and praying to god that I smell your cologne and Marlboro Lites. It used to piss Ryan off.

I am in Jackie’s house last night, laying where we laid when we watched the Sweetest Thing together for the first time.

I SLEPT IN THE FUCKING BED WE FIRST HAD SEX IN. I feel asleep crying. I wanted to wake up to you shoving my phone at me because I needed to turn off the beeping because you couldn’t sleep, so we could start it all over again. Because according to Jackie, thats how I knew you really liked me.

I drove past that goddamn fire escape and

GODDAMN IT!!!

I am so fucking sick and tired of this pain. I’m not supposed to feel this way.

and I am sure you are offended that I am feeling something, because you always thought that since I was the one doing the leaving, I didn’t feel anything. Which is fucking bullshit, because there wasn’t one person in that bed for 9 fucking months.

You might be reveling in my pain. You did have your sadist tendencies.

And this isn’t me being lonely. This isn’t me not having someone to care about me, because I do. This isn’t about someone not wanting to fall in love with me, because I do. And this is certainly not about me not having someone to fuck me or make me feel like shit, because there’s a fucking line.

I want fucking closure. Or something.

I just miss you, punk.

dreams last for so long, even after you’re gone, i know you love me, and soon i know you will see…

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK

An ode to the exes..

Is it still me that makes you sweat?
Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you’re sliding off your dress?
Then think of what you did
And how I hope to God he was worth it.
When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin.
I’ve got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you’ll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me

Let’s get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close

…love this song.

Fallin’ and fallin’ unless you cry when you hit the floor…

I hate this time of year.

You can feel so fucking lonely. I am just jealous of the people who have someone I suppose. I mean, I had someone this time last year, and though it was kinda crazy at this point…I still was in love with someone at Christmas, I still had someone I loved to kiss when the ball dropped.

It was the shittiest champagne ever, but I was also the best new years I had ever had.

I guess I just miss having someone, someone I was so utterly in love with that it was the reason I got up in the morning.

And I never honestly thought I was gonna feel like this. I thought that once Justin and I were done, I’d revert back to the old me and like it, realize how much I missed being the whore who had no cares, and wanted nothing with love.

But alas..no. Maybe this is a different part of the closure process.

I just keep fucking people and either I don’t care or they don’t care or it’s this moment where we both really care and the next morning, it’s gone.

Like this kid Eric who I just slept with. Like, he was saying all of this stuff in bed and we’d look into each others eyes and suddenly it made sense. He’s smart, fucking talented (accepted for voice to Julliard and Eastman), crazy in bed, and not out, meaning I could honestly get the no real strings attached, clandestine thing I am looking for. But morning comes and it’s not there.

So I walk around, feeling a little more empty, and a little more used.

And then you start missing them…for the same reasons you think you fell in love with them.

Cory, who hurt as much as I did.

Charlie, who was just so simple and easy, who just made me laugh and got me.

Justin, who was kissed with his soul and was everything I wasn’t.

Why does the feeling continue? You never really fall out of love with anyone you love. You just fall away. Because they always have a piece. The only way not to notice it is to have someone else to love. And when you don’t love that someone, then you just think of people you do love and you just can’t ignore it.

I slept with Cory again. Right after Justin and I ended for the last time. I needed someone who needed me.

Still hot as hell, great in bed, and utterly in love with me. He cried when I said I wasn’t, which is 9/10ths true. He never stopped trying to get in contact with me or back with me, which no one really knew because I just avoided it.

I didn’t miss the bruises.

He wanted me back. He just wanted me to be there.He promised if we got back together, he’d treat me right. But thats what he said every time he was sober. I just spent the last six months being emotionally abused over someone’s mother, I’m not about to be hit over one.

I just want someone who wants me, someone who needs me, and someone who can take me as I am.

But I have never met anyone who can do all 3, particularly the last one.

It’s just like kiss some ass man, and then you can screw them all.

I Just Want you Close
Where You Can Stay Forever
You Can Be Sure
That It Will Only Get Better

You And Me Together Through The Days And Nights
I Dont Worry Cause
Everything’s Gonna Be Alright
People Keep Talking
They Can Say What They Like
But All I Know Is That Everything’s Gonna Be Alright

No One
No One
No One
Can Get In The Way Of What I’m Feelin’
No One
No One
No One
Can Get In The Way Of What I Feel For You

—

God, I dreamed there was an angel
Who could hear me through the wall
As I cried out-like, in Latin
“This is so not life at all
Help me out-out-of this nightmare”
Then I heard her silver call-
She said: “Just give it time, kid
I come to one and all”

She said: “Give me that hand, please
And the itch you can’t control
Let me teach you how to handle
All the sadness in your soul
Oh, we’ll work that silver magic
Then we’ll aim it at the wall”
She said: “Love may make you blind kid-
But I wouldn’t mind at all”

[All]
It’s the bitch of living
(Bitch, just a bitch)
With nothing but your hand
(Just a bitch, yeah)
Just the bitch of living
As someone you can’t stand

[Georg]
See, each night, it’s like fantastic-
Tossing, turning, without rest
‘Cause my days at the piano
With my teacher and her breasts;
And the music’s like the one thing
I can even get at all
And those breasts!
I mean, God, please
Just let those apples fall

[All]
It’s the bitch of living
(ah, ah, ah)
With nothing going on
(Nothing going on)
Just the bitch of living
Asking: what went wrong?

Do they think we want this?
Oh- who knows?

[Ernst]
See, there’s showering in gym class…

[Hanschen]
Bobby Maler, he’s the best
Looks so nasty in those khakis

[Ernst]
God, my whole life’s like some test

[Otto]
Then there’s Marianna Wheelan
As if she’d return my call

[Hanschen]
It’s like just kiss some ass, man
Then you can screw ‘em all

[Melchior]
All will know

[All]
And getting what you get
It’s the bitch of living

[Melchior]
And knowing this is it

oh musical theatre…songs about masturbation at their finest.

it has been a very, very confusing day.

you and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals so let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel

FUUUCK

Wow, so fuck a scorpio. I mean, I assumed it was just Justin, the whole jealous controlling thing.

No no.

Apparently not.

I should have just listened to Dre back in the summer when I was working at Texas. Scorpio’s are no good. But I attract the fuckers like flies. I would go so far to say that 2 out of 3 guys who hit on me are scorpios.Maybe they find my non-OCD, easy going-ness attractive. Opposites do attract.

But dear god.

When Ryan gets drunk…I get fed the same paranoid controlling shit I got from Justin, the same paranoid controlling shit that fucking drove me to cheat on the kid. Granted, its the cuter, blonde/blue eyed version, but in essence…same song, different key.

The grass is indeed greener on the other side when yours keeps getting pissed on.

6 beers and you get to see who someone really is I guess. Suddenly half of my feelings flew out the fucking window.

So when I saw that, it both pissed me off and freaked me out. I don’t have the fucking energy to do Justin again. It’s a large percent of why I brought the ax down on the final try of me and Justin. The kid straight up wore me out.

And honestly, I keep trying to have the conversation with Ryan about this and he fucking stops it for some dumbass reason every time.

Example: Last night we were at Godfrey’s and we were sitting and having a cigarette and he asked me if my feelings were the same for him as they were when we first started seeing each other. And I told him they were, and then I tried to talk about slowing down stuff. And he puts out his cigarette, COMPLETELY IGNORES WHAT I JUST SAID, and asks to dance.

And suddenly, this kid I thought I loved or at least could love like squashed all feelings.

But honestly I just want to date like normal fucking adult. And maybe this is a scorpio thing because he’s not the only one to seem to struggle with this concept. I want to see him 2 or 3 nights a week, but thats it. If I want to go on a date with someone else, it should be fine. Because fuck if I am looking for a goddamn soul mate. Fuck that shit.

Because I thought I found my soul mate. He came, he saw, he left. It’s fin.

And that is FINE. I am sure he is off in DC having a gay ol’ time, QAF-ing it up.

Now, why can’t I find a guy who just wants to hang out/fuck a few nights a week, crush a few beers, maybe smoke a few cigarettes…talk about life and god and maybe, just maybe, move on to the whole 9. Grow to the boyfriend thing. Because I want someone to love, and when you title it too soon, it just becomes an obligation.

And maybe it’s not so simple.

I think it is. Or at least it should be.

Because I like Ryan, but he isn’t the only one. I have had a crush on this kid in acting since like August but haven’t had the balls to say anything about it. And I am sure he has no idea or interests because it was one of those crushing from a-far bits.

I am getting waaasted tonight. Maybe I’ll hit on him. Who knows.

Wielkome, buenvenu, welcome..

So..

My call back on Friday went wonderfully as far as dance callbacks for me go.

I actually got called back a second time for this morning, and that makes me feel 10 feet tall. They called back 26 boys total. Out of the entire deparment, which probably has every bit of 125-150 boys.

The call back itself went pretty well, but because I am a first year, it about 10-20% that I will get something and 90-80% that I won’t. I am not expecting anything at all, I was just glad to not get one callback, but two.

Two callbacks as a first year in a program that currently sits at 8th in the nation.

I must be such a horrible actor…

those who get that statement, namely at the expense of the one who said it….laugh

the one who said it… suck it, cunt.

To quote Kathy Griffin, “Suck my motha fucking dick”

And all of that to be followed with an evening with Ryan.
life is good.

Life is a Cabaret, ol’ chum

Guess who got a callback for his first mainstage audition at Theatre VCU!!

Hollaa…

Since they don’t cast first years (which is what I am classified as) like EVER, I am just stoked to get this callback. It means I made a great impression on the woman who is going to be casting my musicals for the next 3 years.

1 of 2 frist year boys, 4 first years total.

With a sore throat.

Booya, bitches.

Let’s hear it for the boy

So I got fucking TOLD today.

Courtney told me how her and Nick were and it was like a fucking mirror image of Justin and I.

It was RIDICULOUS.

And she basically told me how hard it is to love someone like me. All the walls. Not talking when we fight.

And when I do, it’s at inappropriate times.

She said, “Tyler, if you’re anything like Nick, and let’s face it, you’re the spitting image, you started to talk when Justin was so exasperated, he didn’t give a GOOD GODDAMN what you had to say. He gave you the opportunity but you ignored it, and then you wanted to when he was DONE!”

“You hide shit, and you are afraid to love. And I bet you a million dollars that Justin felt fucking robbed when you left him. Because people like you are a lot of fucking work my friend. And then it just straight up disappears.”

Wow.

Tyler

I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again
and I am getting
nowhere with you
and I can’t let it go
and I can’t get through…
the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she’s listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last
and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don’t close your eyes
I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands
in eachother’s shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn’t explain it all
and I’m recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and when we leave the landlord will come
and paint over it all
and I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and I am getting nowhere with you
and I can’t let it go
and I can’t get though
So now use both hands
please use both hands
oh, no don’t close your eyes
I am writing graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried

Still shes on her knees, and Scotty doesn’t know..

if you don’t want to read it stop looking at it.

When I said I’d take it, I meant AS IS.

Jesus christ.

So text me and say fuck you. Fine.

Call me and leave a message about everything. Fine.

But don’t call and ask to talk for closure, and send me a nasty fucking text message. Belligerently drunk. Go figure.

So sorry I didn’t pick up.

I was with Ryan.

And sorry if you are under the misconception that this is a product of you giving some guy a fucking blow job. But Jesus Christ on the mother fucking cross, please do not tell me you are that goddamn naive.

THIS is a product of many things. Yelling drunken nights. Miserable make up sessions. the endless make up sex. The depression. I have phyiscal fucking scars from where I cut myself because I was so goddamn depressed. And you probably do to. But they don’t even compare to the emotional ones. And eventually physical violence.

Throw in the fact that I have fucked 6 people, 5 of which you knew about, 1 of which you were convinced happened, which you can’t handle. Congrats. You were right. You were fucking right. Don’t you just love being right?

You always had to be.

Fuck you. Fuck you for having the fucking gall to act like this is the fact that I can’t get over the fact that you gave a blow job, when you probably still cry about the fact that I fucked Jamie and I throughly enjoyed fucking doing it.

You were so goddamn perfect. What the fuck happened. Who ripped out the fucking soul of the person that I fell in love with 2 summers ago, and fed it to the fucking dogs.

I loved you so much.

I listened to the first mix tape I made you and cried my fucking eyes out. I cried until I couldn’t fucking breathe Wonderful Tonight came on, and I remembered how goddamn gorgeous you looked as I walked you up to my room to dance. You were my angel, my saving fucking grace.

And now you went and pissed on it. We pissed all fucking over it.

I don’t give a good goddamn what your opinion is of me. At least when I snort coke, I am forced to look in a fucking mirror.

You should try that, you fucking child.

I loved you so much.

Fuck you.

There’s always a moment, “I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it”

Well….

I’m in something.

love?

lust?

loneliness?

I think that falling in love is like stepping in dog shit barefoot. You step into it, and for a moment, it feels warm and good in between your toes. And then you scream, “Awww FUCK!”

be my somebody tonight..

I gooot a daaaate..

whoo hoo.

if all else fails, it’s a free dinner I suppose

we are recording history on the bedroom wall, and when we leave the landlord will come paint over..

Wow….stoned again.

go figure.

My Wednesday night was INSANE. So I had like 3 guys all up on my nuts, one of which literally said, and I quote “I wanna fuck you.”

No, please avoid all levels of tact. that’s so sexy, so refined.

If I had been 16, 17, or even 18, it would have been a dream come true. Perfect.

Now…it was such a turn off. I donno why. and he was very good looking, really charismatic, lawyer to be, smart, funny, and sexy as fucking hell.

But I was so turned off.

I drooled over this kid when I walked in to Godfrey’s last Christmas break.

Now, I get to a chance to fuck him and I pass.

Hello, Dr. Jeykll…we though Hyde had killed you by now.

And THEN

I take Richie home because he’s drunk, but by this point I’m sober, and I have been like all about the kid since I don’t know when. All of my friends at school say that the look in my eye when I look at him is so cute/depressing. Again, smart, funny, sexy…etc list goes on.

He starts making out with me while I am trying to find his house key. And we do this for a good long while. And he says allllll these mixed things, and we all know my heart or whatevers left of it is sitting on my sleeve.

He goes on about how much of an amazing friend I am and how much i mean to him, and then we are going and he says “I love you, Tyler”

And the confusion like erupts. He was trying to get in my pants for sometime, and then we did, and then he seemed completely uninterested in even talking to me, and and then we get really close and thats where we are now. The way he said it was so not how you say it to a friend who only matters as much as a friend to you, even when your drunk. But thats all we have ever been, sans the recent making out and one night stand however long ago. I donno.

“you have the best smile, and those cute chipmunk cheeks. and i love it when you shave your head”

so confused.

“I love you too, Richie”

 

So…acting class today.

 

It was my first class with emotional recall. Or whatever.

 

I feel like I just ran 5 miles. I am emotionally exhausted, and it wasn’t even me working most of the time.

 

We are doing life scenes, which consist of a conversation that has deeply affected you emotionally.

 

Everyone was crying. I was trying really hard to keep it together and then I lost it.

 

And this is why we act. All actors have these pent up emotions that we don’t want to deal with. So we pretend to be other people.

 

But Barry Bell says, “Fuck that.”

 

 

 

I just finished talking to Justin yesterday. The scene I am in with Claire is basically me saying exactly what I said to him. And I got the same reaction. I saw him the entire time.

When we were done, I ran out the door, fell to the floor and sobbed.

 

 

 

The people outside must have thought I was crazy.

 

And then there was another scene about being in love with a straight boy.

 

 

 

Again…sobbed. I got to the bathroom this time though. I hadn’t thought about Charlie in weeks until today. And I just looked at his Facebook for the first time in I don’t know how long, Grease probably.

Still beautiful, fluent in French, and pretty much everything I want.

At least he left the bitch he fucked me over for.

 

 

 

 

This weekend better be good, and I am looking forward to seeing Matt and Jackie, Sean hopefully.

 

 

 

 

I just want to be wasted. And loved.

All alone, as I have learned to be

there was a time when I
had nothing to explain
oh, this mess I have made
but then things got complicated
my innocence has all but faded
oh, this mess I have made
and I don’t
believe in God
so I can’t
be saved
all alone,
as I’ve learned to be
in this mess
I have made

all the untested virtue
the things I said I’d never do
least of all to you
I know he’s kind and true
I know that he is good to you
he’ll never care for you more than I do

but I don’t (no I don’t)
believe in love
so I can’t
be tamed (be saved)
all alone,
as I’ve learned to be
in this mess
I have made
the same mistakes
over and over
again

Head under water

and they tell me to breathe easy for a while

the breathing gets harder, even i know that

 

You made room for me but it’s too soon to see

if I’m happy in your hands

I’m unusually hard to hold on to

 

Blank stares at blank pages

no easy way to say this

you mean well, but you make this hard on me

 

I’m not gonna write you a love song

’cause you asked for it

’cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song

’cause you tell me it’s

make or breaking this

if you’re on your way

I’m not gonna write you to stay

If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today

 

I learned the hard way

that they all say things you want to hear

and my heavy heart sinks deep down under you

and your twisted words, your help just hurts

you are not what i thought you were

hello to high and dry

 

Convinced me to please you

made me think that I need this too

I’m trying to let you hear me as I am

 

I’m not gonna write you a love song

’cause you asked for it

’cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song

’cause you tell me it’s

make or breaking this

if you’re on your way

I’m not gonna write you to stay

If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today

 

Promise me that you’ll leave the light on

to help me see with daylight, my guide, gone

’cause I believe there’s a way you can love me because I say

 

I wont write you a love song

’cause you asked for it

’cause you need one you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song

’cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this

is that why you wanted a love song

’cause you asked for it

’cause you need one you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song

’cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this

if you’re on your way

I’m not gonna write you to stay

if your heart is nowhere in it

I don’t want it for a minute

Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when i believe that there’s a reason to

write you a love song today

 

We starve-look
At one another
Short of breath
Walking proudly in our winter coats
Wearing smells from laboratories
Facing a dying nation
Of moving paper fantasy
Listening for the new told lies
With supreme visions of lonely tunes

Somewhere
Inside something there is a rush of
Greatness
Who knows what stands in front of
Our lives
I fashion my future on films in space
Silence
Tells me secretly
Everything
Everything

I’m not going to write you a love song, cause you asked for it..

Head under water
and they tell me to breathe easy for a while
the breathing gets harder, even i know that

You made room for me but it’s too soon to see
if I’m happy in your hands
I’m unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
no easy way to say this
you mean well, but you make this hard on me

I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s
make or breaking this
if you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today

I learned the hard way
that they all say things you want to hear
and my heavy heart sinks deep down under you
and your twisted words, your help just hurts
you are not what i thought you were
hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
made me think that I need this too
I’m trying to let you hear me as I am

I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s
make or breaking this
if you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today

Promise me that you’ll leave the light on
to help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
’cause I believe there’s a way you can love me because I say

I wont write you a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
is that why you wanted a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
if you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
if your heart is nowhere in it
I don’t want it for a minute
Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when i believe that there’s a reason to
write you a love song today

…fuck you.

Prove that you love me, and buy the next round..

so I am writing this paper on transgender rights. And I just wrote something and would like some feedback:

 From a very small age, we are all taught that girls play with dolls and boys play with trucks, and so on and so forth. Boys and girls who defied these societal “norms” were frequently looked down upon, or at least looked upon as “different”. However, trucks and dolls are the tip of the iceberg when it comes to being transgender. These men and women feel completely foreign to their own anatomy, let alone their so called “gender roles”.

The population of men and women who are seeking gender reassignment surgery or merely classify themselves as “transgender” are continually scrutinized for something they have no control over. They are constantly discriminated against, many of which are turned down for job opportunities or even fired from their positions because of a biological malfunction. This has the same legitimacy as not hiring someone who plans on changing their hair from blonde to brown. In order to prevent such injustice, nation wide anti-discrimination laws should be put in place and upheld. The ignorant and backwards views of the current American conservative limit people who have done nothing wrong.

            There are many men and women who disagree with this thought. Many people think that you are born purely man or woman and that there is no discrepancy to be had. For example, in 2001 the Campaign for California Families took out a full page newspaper advertisement to argue against proposed legislation to amend the definition of “gender” in California’s employment discrimination statute to include transgender people. The advertisement read: “The state should not promote the transsexual agenda on society. Little girls should not be influenced in any way to think they are boys, nor little boys influenced to think they are girls. This bill makes the State approve of transsexuality and sets up an unnatural standard for adults and children…This bill makes trassexuality a full blown civil right. This is an insult to people of color and other racial minorities who have fought for equal opportunity through civil rights based on unchangeable characteristics….It is an attack on nature. People are born with 46 chromosomes, XX for females, XY males. You are either born male or female, and there are no in-betweens. This bill would promote an unnatural and radical sexual agenda that erodes nature and attacks the sensibilities of families” (Transgender Rights 15).

            However, the people of the Campaign for California “Families” (a matter of dispute in this humble author’s opinion) could not be further from the truth. The goal of this legislation was not influence boys and girls to defy their supposed “gender” but promote the well being of California citizens who were receiving discrimination for being transgender. Few children would pick up a copy of the California discrimination statute for some light reading. It is arguable that the children would have no idea the legislation was being pushed forth had their parents not taken out a full page advertisement arguing against the legislation. The children would have had no idea what was going on until they were adults seeking employment, with already formulated ideas of their own gender.

            Furthermore, while the bill might make the state recognize and protect it’s transgender citizens (Heaven forbid a state protect it citizens. Isn’t that Bush’s whole reason for keeping us in a war we’ve already lost?), it is in no way forcing any sort of “unnatural standard” on anyone. It is just making the state do its job.

 

but I’m always true to you, darling in my fashion

I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands
in each other’s shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn’t explain it all
and I’m recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and eventually the landlord will come
and paint over it all
and I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and I am getting nowhere with you
and I can’t let it go
and I can’t get though
So now use both hands
please use both hands
oh, no don’t close your eyes
I am writing graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried

 

 

I don’t wanna talk
About the things we’ve gone through
Though it’s hurting me
Now it’s history
I’ve played all my cards
And that’s what you’ve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That’s her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I’d be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It’s simple and it’s plain
Why should I complain?

 

 

I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him, and listen for a while
And there he was, this young boy, a stranger to my eyes

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly… with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly… with his song

I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters, and read each one aloud
I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

 

 

I remember when you looked into my eyes
You saw right though me and I could not hide
I was exposed just like a child
All of my heart you hold in your hands
I’m yours to command, I’m yours to command
I feel so humbled, with you in my life, with you in my life

I remember when I looked into your eyes
I saw a reflection of myself and I could not lie
Out of control too weak to deny
All of my soul is naked before you but what can I do
There is nothing I can do
I feel so beautiful with you in my life

The last great punk rock song before I unspike my hair and carry on…

So. Update. Slash Reflection.

 

Justin and I are back together. And it’s actually quite fantastic, thank you very much. So you can take your nay saying and shove it. Actually, I feel that this is better than the first time. We share the love, new love almost that we had at the start, yet we have a much better understanding of each other and most importantly ourselves.

 

We both grew a lot this summer. I know I did. I was so hurt and so very jaded to idea of love that I, in typical Tyler fashion, got drunk and philandered*. Throw in an eight of this, and an eight ball of that and I was completely and utterly numb. Which is how I generally like it. If I hadn’t done that, many things probably would not have happened they did and I would not have hurt the people who matter to me most.

 

I have a much better understanding of myself. The credit is partly due to shrooms, but most is due to long walks around the cemetery and my friends telling me about myself. I don’t believe one can really just have a bunch of sudden self-realizations. You can’t be like “Oh my God, I am so—-” as you pour cornflakes. You need other people to help point out, blatantly or just through their actions, who you are. The person you are is reflected in the faces of those around you. How you interact with them, how they interact with you, etc. To think otherwise is incredibly arrogant and ultimately self-destructive.  

 

It’s the true purpose of a husband or wife. To show you who you really are and to show that they care about you because of/in spite of those attributes. Not some one to eat with everyday, not some to fuck…anyone can do those things. Anyone can fill space in your bed.

 

I have, thus, become much more introspective, trying to truly figure out who I am and how I truly feel about things. This will benefit me tremendously as an actor, but also more importantly just allow me to live my life successfully and to the fullest.

 

It also weeds weak. I realized this summer who my friends really are. Few are standing. Many left me to just do my own thing, I guess viewing it as some act of karma for focusing on Justin so much last semester and not hanging out with them. God forbid one focus on their future husband.

 

However, many people were there for me. Everyone that I expected and a few others. And after hanging out with them, I saw who I really was and who I am becoming.

 

I am now twenty and in one the most, if not the most formative stage(s) in my life. Living in your twenties and thinking that you have this amazing foresight and you know, or that you even have the responsibility to know what you are going to do with the rest of it is absolutely ridiculous.

 

To put in basic terms:

 

20 ÷ 5 = 4.

 

Or

 

5/20= ¼

 

It just doesn’t work out mathematically. To say that I know what I will be doing in even five years is to project ¼ of my lived life. That’s absurd.  

 

I know I want to perform. I just don’t know how the fuck I am going to get there or where I’ll be doing it. And I don’t need to.

 

I finally get who I am to a certain level. And it feels really good. I have a new appreciation of self and a whole new level of self-worth that I will not allow to be violated by anyone. And I am not surrounding myself with people who I think will. I am distancing myself or just immediately removing the poor influences in my life. I am also removing or significantly changing the level of interaction with people who try to control it. I accept myself, and don’t really need anyone else to do that for me anymore.

 

It’s incredibly liberating.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*phi·lan·der    intr.v.   phi·lan·dered, phi·lan·der·ing, phi·lan·ders

1. To carry on a sexual affair, especially an extramarital affair, with a woman one cannot or does not intend to marry. Used of a man.

 

2. To engage in many love affairs, especially with a frivolous or casual attitude. Used of a man.

Protected: run devil run…from love

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but with nobody in your bed..the nights hard to get through

Lyric montage…

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart, you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.

I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
Iknow your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.
I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow. 

He says he’s so in love,
he’s finally got it right
I wonder if he knows he’s all I think about at night.

He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
the only thing that keeps me wishin’ on a wishin’ star
he’s the song in the car I keep singin’ don’t know why I do

Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass,
Seven years has gone so fast,
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars,
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.

As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost,
Wake me up when September ends

its all my fault and it hurts

when the moon is in the seventh house, and jupiter a-lines with mars, then peace..

This explains a lot…..

Your sun sign: Libra

The Scales are the only zodiac symbol that’s neither animal nor human — but surely that doesn’t make you any less human. In fact, you are among the most sociable of the signs. As scales of old were really “balances,” so to do you seek balance in all that you do. You respond to situations with grace as you attempt to put others at ease. Artistically, you try to balance form, content, colors and elements, and for this reason can be drawn toward creative endeavors.

 

Motto: “To every action there is an opposite and equal reaction.”
Greatest Strength: Your grace and charm when helping others
Possible Weakness: Forgetting to take care of your own needs

 

Your Moon Sign: Pisces

The Moon in Pisces is like having an emotional antenna that picks up every radio station in the universe. Feelings flood in from all directions, sometimes filling you with delight, sometimes with panic. Learning that all you feel is not yours can be an enormous relief because it reduces the emotional load you have to carry. You are not responsible for everything that you feel. Yet this openness also makes you compassionate and imaginative, openly receptive to others and their needs. Knowing when to pull back, though, is essential to your well-being since you absorb so much of what’s going on around you.

Motto: “I can feel your pain,”
Greatest Strength: Boundless empathy and imagination
Possible Weakness: Being overly sensitive

Your Rising Sign: Aries

Aries Rising people tend to be in a hurry, not willing to sit back and wait, but naturally jumping into action as quickly as possible. You’re a pioneer, a leader, the one who gets the ball rolling, even when no one else is aware there’s a game to be played. You can be abrupt and impatient, even coming across aggressively since you’re the one who has to make the first move. You’re the sparkplug and the initiator, but if you come on too strong you sometimes can rub others the wrong way. It may be because you’re used to doing things on your own, not expecting much support and unwilling to compromise. When you slow down and take others into consideration, you get support that can lighten your load.

Motto: “Me first”
Greatest Strength: Being a pioneer
Possible Weakness: Impatience 

Your Chinese Sign: Rabbit

The RABBIT … THE VIRTUOUS RABBIT

Mantra: Always prepared to help the world.

The reserved Rabbit is very intelligent, intuitive and in touch with nature. Generous by definition, Rabbits can also be afraid of their own power. People trust them easily and admire them, but Rabbits themselves are cautious and discreet. Everywhere they go they create peace for others … but compromise their own inner harmony with sudden mood changes and fear. Rabbits are full of heart and love to take care of the wounded body, heart and soul — they are gentle and kind.

I wish I could sleep, But I can’t lay on my back, ’cause theres a knife for every day I’ve known you

So….wow.

 

I just don’t really know where to begin.

 

Last night was so fucking intense. I finally let out some pent up emotion about my rape and it just hasn’t stopped. This would be time number six of crying today… and I am just like what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I mean, it happened 1 year and a half ago to most people, but I think of it in terms of it happened 1 year, seven months, and 13 days ago. I donno what to do.

 

 

 

It really doesn’t matter how much I drink, or how much coke I put of my nose or however many hits I take with the fucking bowl…it there, it’s eating at me, it’s like he is sitting in the fucking room, smiling that fucking smile he was wearing while he did it.

 

Some days I still feel him fucking inside me.

 

 

 

WHEN THE FUCK IS THIS SUPPOSED TO STOP?

 

 

 

 

 

I mean…Jesus Christ.

 

 

It’s like I spend my days swallowing razor blades. Some are bigger, some are smaller. But they still fucking hurt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I am getting out of town this weekend hopefully. I just need to see people I haven’t seen for a long time, and not be in Richmond

as long as he needs me..

So I skipped Art History again. I just can’t seem to get to that class.

 

In other news, my birthday is in two weeks.

 

In two weeks, I’ll have been alive for 2 decades.

 

Whoopee.

 

But I think I am getting a cat. Because I miss mine.  Even though I see them about everyday, they’ve become Justin’s. Hell, they were always Justin’s. They never really liked me haha.

 

In other news, rehearsals a going good. Cassie and Sarah are both easy to work with and both very creative. I think it’s going to be a good production.

 

 

 

I took off Sunday the 30^th in hopes of making it down to Norfolk. I just want to walk around, see Jackie and Sean, see the dock…just re-live a little. I think it will help me.

 

Because god help me if I don’t miss it.

Jesus Christ, that’s a pretty face,the kind you’d find on someone that could save

Wow.

A new journal.

This is mildly intimidating.

But it feels good.

So life…it’s beyond complicated.

Still so in love. But throughly questioning every thing.

Last night we got drunk together, and it was like “WOW we survived being drunk together!” but at the same time it was like “wow..we survived being drunk together..”

but goddamnit if I am not falling all over again.

but I look like the cartoon cat who’s dragging their nails down the side of the wall.

because it feels so dangerous.

good, but dangerous.